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A Modest Cop Bonus Plan
By Cap'n O
DECEMBER 22, 1997:
Albuquerque police deserved the 15 percent pay raise that former
Mayor Spend Everything gave them last year. Cops have one of the
hardest jobs in society. It's not easy to put a positive spin
on a program of population control by police killings.
Don't shoot! It's just a joke.
Their job is hard and it is one of the most crucial jobs in society.
Balancing the need for force and authority with constitutional
rights is demanding and stressful, especially when a piece of
human garbage wants to kill you.
But cops don't deserve all of the automatic perks they get now,
such as take-home cars. They should work five-day weeks, not four.
And we need civilian oversight of the police department.
Mayor Jim Baca is now finding that he has to back off of campaign
promises to give cops back their four-day work week and to give
them input into the hiring of a new police chief. He's also thinking
of limiting take-home cars to beat officers who live in the city.
Alex Marentes, head of the police union, is angry about the reneging.
Baca was in office a whole five days when Marentes threatened
to fight his re-election bid, which, if it comes, is 1,440 days
away. The threat is silly, considering the police union's political
record. The union threw its vast political might behind Dave Cargo
in the last mayoral election. He came in an embarrassing third.
Baca should not have made those promises. The city can't afford
them. The four-day work week is ridiculous. Almost no one else
gets it. We need cops on the streets, not at home sleeping. But
there is a way to improve the police department and public safety
while giving cops some of their precious perks. We should set
up an incentive program for cops. If they want perks, they'll
have to work for them. Some ideas:
- A few extra vacation days and a brand new big gun for officers
who can spell "United States Constitution." Immediate
and lucrative retirement for those officers who have read the
Constitution just once.
- A few days off or a one-time bonus for officers who, in
a barricade or standoff situation, disable a threatening person
by firing a bean-bag round instead of bullets. There are no bonuses
for hitting old ladies in wheel chairs.
- Award take-home cars one year at a time. To qualify, officers
have to get As in constitutional law classes. A lesser grade won't
make it. Officers would have to requalify every year by taking
classes in different areas of constitutional law.
- An extra day off for officers who successfully complete
"verbal judo" classes.
- A hefty bonus for officers who go a certain number of years
without an internal affairs complaint or lawsuit filed against
them. This is obnoxious and is like rewarding somebody for actually
doing the job they're paid to do, but it would be cheaper than
the millions of dollars we pay out each year on police abuse lawsuits.
- An extra two weeks off a year for officers, who on their
police reports, never misspell the word "the."
- Immediate promotion to the next rank for officers whose
handwriting can be read.
- Small bonuses for officers who get letters of commendation
from citizens.
- A year's supply of gun polish for doing "volunteer"
work in homeless shelters, soup kitchens and old peoples' homes.
- A take-home army tank, a bazooka and hand grenades for
officers who are caught in the act of treating citizens with respect.
- Free meals at expensive restaurants for cops who shoot
and kill motorists who run stop signs, red lights and who fail
to signal when turning.
- A "Make Your Own Atom Bomb" kit for police who
tell the truth in court.
- Solid titanium billy clubs for officers who write essays
on the dangers of a police state.
- Video tapes of the Rodney King beating for officers who
successfully complete antibrutality classes.
And finally, there's a special incentive for all of us who aren't
cops. We get to watch police union presidents flex their political
muscles. That'll provide us several years of laughs.
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