Weekly Wire
Weekly Alibi Rosie O'Donnell Must Die

By Devin D. O'Leary

DECEMBER 20, 1999:  Now, I am not a violent person by nature. And I hate to abuse my position as an entertainment reporter for such a cruel purpose. But occasionally there arises a threat so great -- so Godzilla-like in its destructive power -- that it must be eliminated at all costs. In my entire tenure as a film and television writer, only once or twice have I "suggested" that perhaps the planet might be better off without certain humans.

The last time, I believe, was when I took up a collection to place a bounty on the head of the next director to cast Keanu Reeves in a historical movie -- an eventuality that I am glad to say has not occurred in the past several years. I'm not suggesting that I'm solely responsible for driving Mr. Reeves away from inappropriate vehicles in the vein of Dangerous Liaisons, Dracula and Little Buddha, but I'm glad to do my small part.

Now, I'm afraid, I must turn my god-like wrath upon ubiquitous talk show host Rosie O'Donnell.

Many stars outstay their welcome and must go away for a long while (MC Hammer, Steven Seagal, Ronald Reagan). Few of these stars, however, have managed to abuse their celebrity as badly as O'Donnell.

It isn't just O'Donnell's insipid daytime talk show, in which she drools over every lame-ass guest as if they were Pope. It isn't her asinine obsession with Elmo from "Sesame Street." It isn't the way she coos over every Beanie Baby in creation. It isn't the grating way she uses "cutie patootie" in every other sentence. ... It's all those things and more. The woman has licensed herself out more than Bugs Bunny. We've seen her do cartoons (Tarzan), kids' books (the "hilarious" Kids Are Punny), and an album full of screechy duets with real singers like Lauren Hill, Elton John and Rosemary Clooney ("A Rosie Christmas").

Now things have taken a turn for the worse as the Kewpie doll starhugger has grown a social conscience -- lambasting "non-cute" cultural touchstones from Marilyn Manson to The Fight Club. It all started when O'Donnell attacked Tom Selleck for his role as NRA spokesman. It's not that guns aren't a problem, or that rifle nuts don't deserve some serious bashing -- but O'Donnell's kiss-butt Kush-toy flinging show was hardly the place to ambush a guest with "Nightline" fodder.

O'Donnell's next target was K-Mart, for whom she has served as celebrity spokesperson. O'Donnell announced (very publicly) that she was severing ties with the retailer because they sell guns. News flash, Rosie: They've always sold guns! Did O'Donnell suddenly develop scruples after so many years of pimping herself out, or did she simply grow tired of her K-Mart gig and conveniently "discover" their gun peddling ways? Who cares. At least K-Mart will be one place free of Rosie's cherubic mug.

Hey, if the Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini can issue a fatwa against Salman Rushdie, then we should all have the power to issue at least one death decree in our lives. I'd be glad to use mine up on Rosie O'Donnell. I love you all that much.


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