Odds & Ends
By Devin D. O'Leary
DECEMBER 8, 1997:
Dateline: England--The ugly rumors have finally been put
to rest. Humphrey is alive and well! England's latest political
scandal began earlier this month when the Cabinet Office announced
that Prime Minister Tony Blair's cat--a stray named Humphrey who
made his home at 10 Downing Street--was unwell and was being retired
to the suburban home of a kindly civil servant. Maverick opposition
Conservative Member of Parliament Alan Clark quickly unspooled
a different set of events to members of the press. According to
Clark's conspiracy theory, Humphrey had actually been euthanized
on orders from Blair's wife Cherie, who allegedly was not fond
of the feline. "Humphrey is now a missing person," declared
Clark. "Unless I hear from him or he makes a public appearance,
I suspect he has been shot." The backlash against Blair was
swift in a country renowned for its animal lovers. Blair was forced
to launch a publicity offensive last week. On Monday, Blair posed
for Britain's Press Association photographers with the aging Humphrey
and a copy of the day's newspaper, allaying rumors that Humphrey
was no more.
Dateline: France--France's Butcher's Federation has requested
that the country's media stop using the word "butchery"
when reporting on the recent bloody terrorist massacre of civilians
in Egypt.
Dateline: Romania--In other labor news, witches in Romania
are setting up their own union. Upset at the resent upswing of
phony witchery, the union will only admit people who can "prove
their ability to tell the future and lift evil spirits."
Dateline: Malaysia--An inexperienced golfer wandered too
close to his partner at a Kuala Lumpur golf course and was knocked
cold by the man's backswing. Anthony Phua, a 35-year-old lawyer,
then got up, apologized for interfering, collapsed again and died.
Dateline: New York--Victoria's Secret, the famous lingerie
retailer and bathroom reading material, unveiled a $3.5 million
bra in New York City last week. The expensive undergarment was
strapped to the chest of model Tyra Banks and driven in an armored
car to the showroom of jeweler Harry Winston who designed the
white, diamond-studded strapless bra. The one-of-a-kind brassiere
is available--to whomever has the appropriate checkbook--in the
Victoria's Secret Christmas catalogue.
Dateline: Ohio--Paul Sirks of Dayton, Ohio,
landed his single-engine plane at Urbana's Grimes Field airport
to check on some mechanical problems. While on the ground, Grimes
tried to start the plane's stalled engine by hand-turning the
propeller. He succeeded. The plane taxied down the runway all
by itself, barely avoiding another plane and a nearby hanger,
and became airborne. The pilotless vehicle circled the area for
about five minutes before heading to the northeast. The plane
flew for nearly two hours before it finally ran out of fuel and
went down about 90 miles away in central Ohio.
Dateline: Pennsylvania--Theodore Stevens, 69, was accused
of shooting his wife with a .38-caliber pistol, but was cleared
last Tuesday of murder charges when he convinced a Philadelphia
judge that he was under a voodoo spell. The wheelchair-bound man
believed that his growing dementia, failing heart, worsening diabetes
and the constant tingling in his legs were the results of an evil
spell cast on him by his common law wife. Judge Lisa Richette
bought Stevens' argument and reduced his conviction to involuntary
manslaughter. Stevens will be sentenced in February, but it is
unlikely that he will receive jail time on the minor charges.
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