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America Is Such A Bountiful Cornucopia Of Crapola.

By Tom Danehy

NOVEMBER 30, 1998:  IT'S THAT TIME of year, and we're feeling reflective. On this Thanksgiving, besides family, friends, health and the rest of the usual crap, here are some other things I'm thankful for.

I'm thankful:

  • That the American voters said loudly and clearly, "Enough is enough!" Nobody condones what the President did, hardly anyone believes that he's contrite, but then also, almost no one believes that he committed any real impeachable crimes. Indeed, I think what Kenneth Starr did was worse than Clinton's shenanigans.

    The President did a bad thing, history won't remember him kindly, but let's move on.

    Clinton might be a dick, but Ken Starr is a weenie.

  • That Sean "Puffy" Combs has apparently run out of '80s pop tunes to butcher into rap-lite garbage. Puff Daddy's collaboration with Jimmy Page marks one of the true low points in the history of popular music. And remember, it happened the same week as the release of Vanilla Ice's Greatest Hit album.

  • That BASEketball flopped miserably. Those two crackheads do enough damage with the frighteningly unfunny South Park. If they had succeeded with that film, God knows what the movies would have spiraled down into. And yes, I realize that I ended that sentence with a preposition. Just thinking about South Park lowers one's IQ.

  • That my daughter can enjoy the music of Mariah Carey without ever thinking of the hootchie-mama singer as some kind of role model. In a way, I feel sorry for Carey. She married that dirty old man, Tommy Mattola, when she was way too young. And now that the divorce is final, slutty season's just busting out all over. If her clothes were any tighter, they'd be internal.

  • That there is Diet Pepsi. With soda pop being my one real addiction in this world, it if didn't come in diet form, I long ago would exploded like some pathetic character in a Monty Python skit.

  • That Law & Order continues to defy all odds by maintaining its excellence despite an average of one major cast change per year. I don't even know the name of this year's new woman attorney, but it doesn't matter. The plotting is intricate, the writing is razor-sharp, and the cast of Sam Waterston, Steven Hill, Jerry Orbach, et al is breathtakingly good.

    As long as shows like Law & Order and The Practice are on, people who would try to criticize all TV as vapid don't have shit of any value to say.

  • That Carl's Jr. will make you a Western Bacon Cheeseburger at 8 a.m. Hey, sometimes, you just gotta.

  • That Comedy Central provides a great late-night alternative to Leno and Letterman with its killer pairing of The Daily Show and Win Ben Stein's Money. The former is a highly-irreverent look at the news of the day, while the latter offers Jeopardy-quality quiz questions in a light-hearted setting.

    If you can beat the brilliant Stein on the final round of 10 questions, you're a baaad man, regardless of gender.

  • That they found a way to get all the fat out of tortilla chips. Now, if only they could also remove those pesky calories, I'd be well on my way to achieving my goal of hitting my college playing weight. Actually, I'm already at my college playing weight, if you don't count my arms and legs.

    Anyway, they don't have to take all the calories out. If they can make it one-calorie, that'd be fine. Besides, I want to hit my college playing weight of around 170, not my high-school weight of 135.

    The only men who are comfortable at 135 are Mexican boxers and, apparently, David Spade.

  • That Alanis Morrissette released a new album. I had almost forgotten how annoying her first one was. I needed a booster shot of annoying. Plus, she's NAKED in the video! PUT IT BACK ON!! She's horrible.

    Okay, all you Canada fans, take your pick: Alanis Morrissette or Celine Dion. Heck, I'll even throw in Shania Twain and her cynical country-pop slop. Here in America, we have Aretha Franklin, Linda Ronstadt, Gloria Estefan, and so many others.

  • That I was able to hear Jackie Chan sing the old Edwin Starr song, "War...(What Is It Good For?)" before I died. I never knew how empty my life had been before that moment.

    Hey, maybe that's where things went wrong. We should have had Edwin Starr investigate the President instead of Kenneth Starr.

    "(Pejorative withheld)...What is she good for?"


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