Weekly Wire
Weekly Alibi Y2K Goofballs

By Captain Opinion

NOVEMBER 22, 1999:  All you hear people talking about these days is Y2K. Go anywhere and you will hear them ask: "Are you ready for Y2K?"

"I'm ready," I tell them. "Just yesterday I got my new generator, pallet of shotgun shells and bottled water. I only got a liter of water because the 12 cases of beer should do for drinking. The water I will use for washing my hands." Being the humorless, sober geeks they are, they walk off with a dazed look and mumble to themselves that I am insensitive.

What I have learned in my truly infinite wisdom is that people are not really afraid of Y2K; they are afraid of the fear of Y2K. Most people you talk to don't really think the computers are going to crash. Most people think it will be a minor problem, kind of like the inconvenience of having holes in your underwear. They are mostly worried about the doomsday idiots who think the world will end and who will to go to the bank the week before Y2K and withdraw all their money. They know that if too many people do this it could send the bank system crashing. That would make the fear of Y2K a real problem. It can only be a problem if people make it one.

The real Y2K problem will occur after nothing happens and the world doesn't implode.

You want to talk about a mob mentality, just wait until all those people who went out and bought generators try to return them all at once. I'm thinking that's going to be a good time to get a cheap alternative power source for my humble abode. Not to mention all those metric tons of dried food people bought. The joke will be on them. They will tell you, "Yeah, if Y2K is a bust we can just eat the food we bought. The brochure says you can make a gourmet meal with this stuff." Wait until they find out that stuff will make Army rations look like a good dinner at a fine restaurant. They bought the pitch hook, line and sinker -- all because they were afraid.

This whole Y2K thing is a big scam that someone came up with to make a lot of money, and it seems to be working. You can go to the nearest outdoor outfitter and find people stocking up on stuff that they will never need and wouldn't know what to do with if they did. People are out there paying big bucks for generators, dried food, bottled water, camp stoves, lanterns, and anything to fend off the impending doom. It all leads back to one thing: fear. People are afraid that if their luxuries are taken away they won't be able to function.

I say we boycott the fear and the hype. Forget about going out and buying supplies. Forget about stocking up on food and water. If you are going to take money out of the bank the day before Jan. 1, 2000, take out enough for a really big party and don't forget to invite me. So plan for the best and forget the hype. The doomsday mongers just want your money. Yell back at them, "We will not go quietly into the night. We will not live in fear. We will not eat really bad dried food or drink all that bottled water that you got us to buy. Take back the generators and the camping products. We won't need them. We do not believe your tales of hysteria and destruction. We are free and we are not afraid."

We need to get on with our lives and quit letting this type of thing control us. If we would all do that, we would go through this Y2K thing with little more than a hangover on Jan. 2, 2000.

If Y2K does happen and the world goes to hell in a handbasket, the nuts can tell me that they told me so. But until then I'm not going to worry about it. If all the idiots in this world want to get together and make Y2K a crisis, more power to them. It will just show what loose screws they really are.

And if the power goes off and the banks don't open, I say let's get the shotguns, the generators, banjos and the likker and have a big party.

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