Weekly Wire
Metro Pulse Psychic Movie Predictions

NOVEMBER 15, 1999: 

Susan Sarandon packs up her 14-year-old daughter Natalie Portman and moves them both to Beverly Hills, in search of fame, fortune, and a cement pond. Based on the novel by Mona Simpson.
Prediction: It'll be like Slums of Beverly Hills but churned out by the big-budget Hollywood studio system. And I can almost bet that there will be no scenes with "marital aids."
Probable Entertainment Value: B

Chris Rock, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon, and Salma Hayek star in this Kevin Smith film that has Catholics all over the country up in arms—even though most of them haven't seen it yet.
Prediction: This is Smith's meditation on the mysterious nature of God, which, hopefully, will be equally good if not better than his meditation on the nature of bisexuality, Chasing Amy, and not as horrible as his meditation on, uh, shopping, Mallrats.
Probable Entertainment Value: B

Six students (Usher Raymond, Rosario Dawson, Robert Ri'chard, Clifton Collins, Jr., Fredro Starr, and Sara Gilbert) barricade themselves in their school after a favorite teacher is fired. Now that they have everybody's attention, just what are they going to say? Hopefully, it'll be more than "Light it up, dude."
Prediction: A short look at the list of writer/director Craig Bolton's credits: Straight Talk, with James Woods and Dolly Parton, That Night, with Juliette Lewis and C. Thomas Howell, as well as several episodes of Miami Vice. Just fills you with confidence, doesn't it?
Probable Entertainment Value: C

Trip back to 15th century France with director Luc Besson. Envision Milla Jovovich as Joan of Arc, the world's greatest martyr. Oh, look, here comes Dustin Hoffman, John Malkovich, and Faye Dunaway...
Prediction: Okay, The Fifth Element had some problems but you must admit that it was visually stunning. This will probably be about the same and will be wonderful eye candy—as long as you don't think about the structure or story too hard.
Probable Entertainment Value: B

Those lovable critters escape and take the Earth hostage. Then, they destroy both the White House and Will Smith. Blood everywhere! Guts! Gore! (No, not Al.) Or maybe they just do something cute, like go to an island where Ash and Pikachu will stage a massive Pokémon battle. You must admit that the first scenario would be a heck of a lot more interesting.
Prediction: Kids will love it. Their parents will have seizures. And there will be a sequel.
Probable Entertainment Value: C

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