Weekly Wire
Metro Pulse Psychic Movie Predictions

NOVEMBER 8, 1999: 

Jimmie Shannon (Chris O'Donnell) has only 24 hours to get married in order to inherit his grandfather's $100 million. Thus, he goes down his list of ex-girlfriends until he stops at the name "Renee Zellweger" (actually, her character's name is Anne, but "Zellweger" sounds a lot funnier). Too bad she already rejected his previous proposal.
Prediction: Golly, what a dilemma: marry genetically perfect Chris O'Donnell and get tens of millions of dollars...or don't. I can't stand the agony—which will she choose?!? How about a role in another predictable, pat romantic comedy...
Probable Entertainment Value: C

A down-on-his-luck puppeteer (John Cusack) takes a job as a filing clerk at LesterCorp., a small company located on the 7 1/2 floor of a Manhattan office building. One day, when he tries to retrieve a folder behind a filing cabinet in his office, he discovers a direct portal into the mind of John Malkovich. In other words, he can be John Malkovich.
Prediction: Directed by Three Kings co-star and MTV video genius Spike Jonze, this might just be the funniest (and most surreal) look at celebrity worship ever. Even if it's a failure, it'll be worth seeing how far the boundaries of quirkiness can be stretched.
Probable Entertainment Value: A

Denzel Washington is a New York City forensic detective who is left paralyzed after a near-fatal injury. Angelina Jolie is a street cop on the trail of a gruesome serial killer. They join forces to "go inside the mind of this terrifying madman and defeat him at his own game."
Prediction: Wow—going inside the mind of a serial killer!! You've got to wonder why such a fresh plot twist has never been filmed before in any previous serial killer movie. Are law enforcement agencies aware of this process? Just think of all the diabolical killers we could be apprehending if only more cops would enter their minds!
Probable Entertainment Value: C

Russell Crowe stars as Jeffrey Wigan, the "insider" who blew the whistle on the tobacco industry in an exclusive 60 Minutes interview. Big problem: CBS wimps out and decides not to air it, causing Al Pacino to chew up scenery as producer Lowell Bergman who fights for the people's right to know.
Prediction: Odds are director Michael Mann will twist actual events to make for a more dramatic story. But what the hell—can't wait to see Christopher Plummer do his Mike Wallace imitation.
Probable Entertainment Value: B

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