By Assorted Albuquerque Attorneys

OCTOBER 27, 1997:  Alibi: A form of defense whereby a defendant attempts to prove that he or she was elsewhere when the crime was committed. 2. An excuse. (American Heritage Dictionary)

We asked several Albuquerque cops and lawyers to tell us the worst alibi they'd heard in their experience. Aside from the standard, "He was dead before I shot him," these are the worst of the worst. The verdict: drinking and lying don't mix.

5. A defendant in a DWI case claimed before judge and jury that he'd had only two beers before blowing a .20. Most people require about 10 beers to reach that level, unless, of course, the beers were 64 ounces each. Verdict: Guilty.

--Sam Bregman, assistant district attorney

4. A man facing nine DWI charges and a number of reckless driving charges was scheduled to appear in a Portland, Ore., courtroom at 10 a.m. He arrived at 1 p.m., explaining to the judge that he'd driven all the way from Klamath Holes, 180 miles away, despite a suspended license. "Your honor," he continued, "I had to drive 100 miles per hour because I was too hung over to drive any faster." Verdict: Pathologically Stupid.

--David Cargo, attorney and former governor

3. On a routine base-patrol, a police dog named Max picked up on a scent in one room. Its three occupants were ordered to stand in the hall, while the dog and security police officer searched the room. Max immediately zeroed in on one civilian jacket. When asked whose jacket it was, all three denied ever seeing it before. The officer shrugged and said, "I guess we're finished here. We'll just confiscate the jacket, turn it into evidence, then burn it." At which point, an occupant responded, "You're gonna do what with my jacket?" Verdict: Busted.

--Robert Valk, security officer

2. Two guys turned on a fire hydrant, flooding an intersection, which quickly froze over. They sat back drinking and laughing as cars lost control and crashed into each other. Their words to the judge: "Sometimes people just get kinda crazy. I mean, ain't you ever done shit like that?" Verdict: Criminally Dense.

--Elizabeth Dranttel, attorney

1. See, it was like this: This guy was at the Blue Spruce Lounge, but he wasn't drinking, OK? Because he already got 12 DWIs. But then outta nowhere this guy kidnaps him, and with a knife, the kidnapper forces him into his own car, see? Then the kidnapper makes him drink a whole fifth of vodka and drive really fast. So then he gets scared and swerves across the line. The cops see that, and they pull him over. But he doesn't know why they don't see the assailant jumping out of his car. Verdict: It could happen, saw it once in an old Cary Grant flick.

--Dane Hannum, Attorney at Law

• Weekly Alibi's Cover Storys Archives