Weekly Wire
Weekly Alibi Odds & Ends

By Devin D. O'Leary

OCTOBER 27, 1997: 

Dateline: Scotland--A British doctor announced last Monday the case of a Scottish woman who went to bed one night and woke up the next morning speaking with a South African accent. Dr. Sophie Scott of the Applied Psychology Unit in Cambridge claims that the 50ish woman is suffering from "Foreign Accent Syndrome." The syndrome, only the 12th recorded case in history, is believed to have been brought about by a mild stroke.

Dateline: France--After the Credit Lyonnais Bank in Paris caught fire, hundreds of clients rushed to the smoldering remains to claim their belongings from smoke- and water-damaged private bank safes. Among the expected gold bars, jewelry and stock certificates were a few unexpected "treasures." Among the items found in the private safety deposit vaults were: a pint of whiskey, porn magazines, bottles of jam and soap cakes stolen from hotels. According to bank officials, the whiskey belonged to a man who visited regularly to imbibe behind his wife's back. Another safe contained a salad and a slice of ham, which the owner replenished once a week.

Dateline: Benin--A monkey was arrested for stealing a TV aerial in the tiny African nation of Benin. Concerned citizens nabbed the pilferous simian along with the Ghanaian street juggler who trained him. The juggler is currently locked up in a police cell while the monkey is cooling his heels in the Cotonou zoo.

Dateline: England--Britain's Advertising Standards Authority said last Wednesday that an "aroma-enhanced" liquor ad currently airing (quite literally) in London theaters is not detrimental to alcoholics. The ad for Gordon's gin shows a gin and tonic being mixed while the aroma of juniper berries is pumped into the theater. The watchdog agency concluded that the smelly ad is "unlikely to seriously distress or harm recovering alcoholics."

Dateline: Michigan--Detroit hotel and motel owners have banded together to make a formal, public plea to Dr. Jack Kevorkian. Seems the hoteliers want Kevorkian to stop leaving dead bodies with notes for the coroners in their rooms. Apparently it makes the maids a wee bit jumpy. Kevorkian's total "assisted suicides" are at 55 and counting.

Dateline: California--Veterinarians at the San Francisco zoo have finally arrived at a solution to the problem of administering medicine to Calle, a reluctant 30-year-old elephant with tuberculosis. Unfortunately, the 2 pound, 10-inch long suppositories require a team of four to "administer."

Dateline: New Mexico--On Monday, city workers finished erecting a stone monument in Albuquerque's Pat Hurley Park to commemorate homicide victims. On Tuesday, 33-year-old Norma Barrios was shot and killed just a few feet from the memorial. The woman, who was chatting with a co-worker on a nearby bench, was allegedly shot by a man firing a pistol at a stray dog.


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