ou'd think that after last week's surplus of Princess Diana columns,
Weekly Wire and its contributing papers would be itching
to get back to some good, old-fashioned feature stories. Think
again. We've caught Dianitis, a disease afflicting those who dine
on too many editorials and not enough hard news. Symptoms of Dianitis
include aching, sneezing, a stuffy head, and occasional cold sores.
They also include unrestrained outbreaks of opinion pieces. Antibiotics
are on their way.
ianitis is extremely contagious, as evidenced by these letters
in response to two Diana columns from past weeks (The Passing
of a Princess and The Royal Mini-Series). Fortunately, this particular
epidemic of Dianitis has mutated into a refined strain focusing
on a few tiring ethical questions involving celebrities and the
media. Humans have a built-in Short Attention Span antibody that
should kill the strain in no time.
whole slew of people recently came down with Dianitis after
University of Texas law professor Lino Graglia blamed the poor
academic performance of blacks and Mexian-Americans on their culture's
over-acceptance of failure. At the least, the statement demanded
clarification; at the most, it demanded apology. Dianitic opinions
abounded, many calling Graglia a racist. According to a colleague
in this story, however, the professor is merely "a loudmouth"
(which, of course, is a tell-tale sign he's got Dianitis himself).
ome Dianitic cases emerge from the strangest places. We all
laughed when we heard that several backwoods Kentuckians had come
down with Mad Squirrel Disease after eating squirrel brains. But
who would have thought a columnist would get Dianitis from reading
about it? Yet here he is, recalling his boyhood days shooting
and chowing down on the furry little critters. Hey mister, are
you sure you didn't get Mad Squirrel Disease?
nd then there's Captain Opinion, the Dianitis poster child.
This week you can read his chants of "It's not fair!' as
he lambasts the State Fair for being too expensive, too commercial,
too generic. I'm sure we can all sympathize with Mr. Opinion,
as well as hope he someday finds a cure for his condition.
ther Dianitic cases this week involve keeping young children
away from T.V. (lest their vulnerable minds become completely
debilitated by Dianitis); a clever plan for maintaining campaign
spending limits without restricting free speech; and a summary
of the likely Democratic candidates for the presidential election
in 2000. One writer even got a case of Dianitis so severe he became
addicted to death-based Internet sites. Fortunately, Dianitis
nly Mr. Smarty Pants managed to avoid Dianitis, but that's because
Mr. Smarty Pants has a rare disease called Factoids. Read his
column and diagnose for yourself.
Volume I, Issue 16
September 22 - September 29, 1997
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Making peace with Barney. 
Our staff empties their brains. 
David O. Dabney
Letters to the Editor
Memphis Flyer readers speak out. 
Fair Not Fair
The local loudmouth gives you a piece of his mind. 
A celebration of squirrels. 
Odds & Ends
Timed-release news capsules from the flipside. 
Devin D. O'Leary
Mr. Smarty Pants
Our resident know-it-all unearths the latest trivia. 
Time to Take Sides?
New Mexico politics from our resident mole. 
A lo-fi perspective on today's hi-fi world. 
Devin D. O'Leary
The "7-0 Council" begins to crack over tax hikes; Slusher vows to save the Austin Music Network; ALLC wins suit over campaign financing petition; Hightower finally gets on Austin radio. 
edited by Amy Smith
11th-Annual Best of Tucson
Welcome to our monster issue! 
The Tucson Weekly Staff
Can't get enough news? You're in luck -- more news is created every day. Our Now What? page offers a plethora of recommended links to help keep you living in the present. 
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about this feature, click here.
Our online BBS is an open forum where you can say anything you
like about current events, controversies, or anything else that
might be stuck in your craw.
Nike has made its employees feel like their work has more in common with Mother Teresa than Henry Ford. Josh Feit explains how they did it, while Tanuja Surpuriya looks at Nike's growth in Memphis.
Josh Feit and Tanuja Surpuriya