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Our Boy Disses Free Expression Of The Abbreviated Kind.

By Tom Danehy

SEPTEMBER 14, 1998:  I'VE NEVER UNDERSTOOD bumper stickers. I mean, I understand them; I just don't see why people would put them on their cars. I've never had one on any of the cars I've ever owned.

I have, however, put a few bumper stickers on cars in my day. Back when I was in high school, Bobby Kennedy was running for the Democratic Presidential nomination. It was a tight three-way race between Kennedy, Eugene McCarthy, and Hubert Humphrey. Any one of those guys would have been infinitely better than the Republican nominee, Richard Nixon. Being an urban youth at the time, I was mesmerized by Kennedy.

My friends and I signed up to be precinct workers for Kennedy. We were young and ignorant, so all they would give us to do was bumper sticker distribution. We stood on a street corner for a while, but that became tedious, so we decided to pick up the pace a bit.

We started walking around mall parking lots. Whenever we saw a McCarthy or Humphrey sticker on a car, we put a Kennedy sticker over the other sticker. If we saw a car with a Nixon sticker, we'd put ours on the windshield. Those people shouldn't be driving around, anyway.

If we saw one with a George Wallace sticker, we'd plaster the entire pickup truck. Then my friend Gary would try a scientific experiment to see if urine might help them stick better.

These days bumper stickers are pretty boring. They either tout some political hack, crow about some crappy sports team, or try to use a play on words to brag about the supposed sexual prowess of an entire profession or group of people.

I hate those last ones the most. Like, "Bad Typists Do It With Two Fingers." I don't want to hear that! Keep your peccadilloes to yourself.

Plus, if you're braggin', you probably ain't doin'.

The absolute worst one is "SH-T HAPPENS." These people might as well just put up a sign that says, "I'm stupid. I live in a trailer, not a mobile home. I had sex with my sister once, but it was okay because we were both drunk at the time. My IQ and vocabulary are both in the low double-digits. And I think my bumper sticker is funny."

Among the other bumper stickers I hate:

  • MY KID BEAT UP YOUR HONOR STUDENT.

    Hey, you must be so proud. But tell the truth, you moron. You probably got junk all over your tongue from trying to lick the back of the thing before you put it on your car.

  • KILL YOUR TELEVISION.

    I can't. It won't let me. Besides, it keeps telling me to kill VW vans and Volvos parked along Fourth Avenue.

  • MEAT IS MURDER.

    Well, okay, as long as you don't overstate your case. The only lifelong vegetarian I've ever heard of (besides Hitler) was Todd Marinovich. All he ever did was blow his entire pro football career so he could become a pot-smoking, cocaine-snorting surf bum. Nowadays, he stays stoned, but at least there isn't any of that yucky meat in his system.

    A cheeseburger every now and then along the way and the dude could've been in the Hall of Fame. They need to have one which reads "TOFU LEADS TO INSANITY."

  • WHO KILLED VINCE FOSTER?

    He committed suicide, you freakin' dolt! Even Kenneth Starr agrees with that. You need to quit attending all those secret meetings or else the black helicopters will be coming for you.

  • THANK YOU FOR NOT BREEDING.

    What does that mean? Thanks for not breeding with you? You're welcome. I probably wouldn't have been able to get past the armpit hair, anyway.

  • MY KID MADE THE HONOR ROLL AT GREEN FIELDS.

    Well, I should hope so! If I'm spending $8,000 a year to send my kid to a school with only 150 kids in it, she'd better make the Honor Roll.

  • plAY SOccer.

    No wAY, SOrry.

  • I BRAKE FOR UNICORNS.

    Well, that's just fine, as long as you also brake for stop signs, red lights, pedestrians, emergency vehicles, and school buses. Oh yeah, and YIELD signs. Unicorns have been known to hide behind YIELD signs.

  • I'M PRO-CHOICE AND PRO-CHILD.

    Then you need to get out of the way. If you turn on your signal, you're probably going to try to turn right and left. Make up your damn mind. You can't have it both ways.

  • IMPEACH CLINTON.

    These things have been around since 1993. Who knew?! Of course, on most of them, the "C" in "Clinton" looks like the old Soviet hammer-and-sickle. That's pretty weak stuff, even by the pathetically low standards of those who cling to a Cold War which has officially been over for more than a decade.

    Look, you political simpletons, here are a few things you need to get straight:

    1. Bill Clinton isn't a Communist. He doesn't have the integrity to be a Communist. That would require an adherence to certain principles.

    2. Nobody's a Communist. In fact, nobody ever really was. Except J. Edgar Hoover.

    3. Ronald Reagan did not bring about the end of Communism. Nike, Levis and Sony did that.

    4. Fidel Castro is going to die an old, old man. In bed. With your wife.

  • RUSH RULES.

    What? The buffet table? The divorce courts? That underclass of people who filled their high-school notebooks with doodled pictures of jet fighters strafing tanks?

    The only thing Rush rules are bumper-sticker people.


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