Weekly Wire
Weekly Alibi Odds & Ends

By Noah Masterson

SEPTEMBER 2, 1997: 

Dateline: Ohio--A young man walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead, and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. The man had trepanned his skull with a power drill and fished around with the wire to find his missing brain.

Dateline: Nevada--As if amusement parks weren't hellish enough, investor group Quorum International announced plans for a 3,000-acre theme park to be called Holy Land, featuring scenes and events from the Old and New Testaments. Every past attempt at a biblical theme park has failed.

Dateline: London--An 11-year-old boy is about to become the world's youngest father. Neither the boy's parents nor his 15-year-old girlfriend's parents dispute that he is the father of the baby scheduled to be born in January. Sources close to the boy say that he is "quite mature for his age."

Dateline: Texas--The District Attorney in Levelland, Texas, recommended that accused criminal E. C. Stewart's bail be set at "a zillion dollars." The judge agreed. Better get yourself a good lawyer, Mr. Stewart.

Dateline: California--A few weeks after returning from Peru, a woman in San Francisco discovered tiny worms crawling from her skin. No, she hadn't been gobbling tabs of bad acid, it was merely larvae from a botfly, which had apparently lain eggs in an open wound on her leg.

Dateline: California--Local authorities are mystified by a series of cattle slayings outside Livermore, Calif. The most recent slaying was of an adult Hereford, found with gunshot wounds to the neck and eye, with the word die written across its body. Sherriff's Lt. Dave Hoig said: "Kids out there with guns are looking for something to shoot. Cows are available and not the brightest animals."

Dateline: Cairo--So that Nurse Aida Nur el-Din could enjoy a peaceful night's work, she systematically injected her more vociferous patients with lethal drugs. At least 18 patients have died at her hands.

Dateline: West Virginia--Is your dog being ridiculed by his friends since his recent trip to the vet? Introducing "Neuticles," a testicular implant designed to keep your dog looking--and feeling--fully functional after neutering. Max, a Rottweiler from West Virginia, will be one of the first to receive the operation. Says Max's owner, "Max is a beautiful dog and very proud. We want him to have his beautiful bearings."

--compiled by Noah Masterson


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