Weekly Wire
Weekly Alibi Odds & Ends

By Devin D. O'Leary

AUGUST 31, 1998: 

Dateline: Iran--What do "Macho Man" Randy Savage and fundamentalist Islamic females have in common? Well, for one thing, they can now be found under the same roof. In a surprisingly feminist move, the vice president of Iran's wrestling federation announced that women will now be permitted to attend men's wrestling events. A special viewing section will be allocated during the World Wrestling Championships in Tehran on Sept. 8-11, so that women can follow the blow-by-blow. In the wake of the 1979 Islamic Revolution, all women were banned from attending men's sporting events.

Dateline: Crete--Although it's traditionally considered bad luck for a groom to see his bride in her wedding dress before the ceremony, the custom took an odd turn off the coast of Greece Saturday when a Cretan bride-to-be suffered a nervous breakdown after seeing her groom in her wedding dress the night before their wedding. The future husband and wife team were celebrating at separate parties, when the bride's friends asked to see her new wedding gown. The group made its way back to the bride's house where, to their surprise, they discovered the groom dressed in the wedding gown and kissing the best man. The wedding did not take place.

Dateline: Ohio--Robert J. Hogg, 29, was released from an Akron, Ohio, prison last week after serving out a term for sexual battery. Hogg immediately returned to the home of his ex-girlfriend (the one he was accused of sexually battering) and attempted to electrocute her by ordering her into the bathtub at scissorpoint and trying to toss in an electric hair dryer. The woman successfully called police when Hogg went to look for an extension cord. He now faces attempted murder charges.

Dateline: Florida--Upholding the fine history of redneck brilliance, Randell James Baker, 45, is being held in a Florida jail after shooting his longtime friend Robert Callahan in the head with a .22. Apparently, the two trigger-happy pals enjoyed "surprising" one another by shooting the button off the top of each other's baseball caps--a practice that occurred every time one of them bought a new cap. This time around, Baker missed, and the jolly tradition came to an abrupt end.

Dateline: Illinois--Twenty-nine-year-old Jerry Loftis, the United States' leading sky surfing pioneer (and ubiquitous TV commercial pitchman for assorted "extreme" consumer products), plunged to his death at the World Free Fall Convention in Illinois when his chute failed to open.

Dateline: Illinois--The medical board of Illinois has announced plans to "discipline" Dr. Bennet Braun, a prominent psychiatrist, whose repressed-memory therapy seems to have gone a bit too far. Braun successfully convinced patient Pat Burgus, 42, that she possessed 300 separate personalities, was a member of a secret cult and sexually abused her children (two of whom she was persuaded to hospitalize for three years). Burgus was also convinced by Dr. Braun that she was a cannibal and ate human flesh meatloaf made from 2,000 people a year--despite the fact that she lived in a small town and would have consumed the entire population in short order. Burgus successfully sued the dotty doc for $10 million.

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