Weekly Wire
Metro Pulse Psychic Movie Predictions

AUGUST 30, 1999: 

Johnny Depp's an astronaut, see? And he comes back from a space mission as a changed man. Like, he's not quite altogether human. Now here's the twist: His wife is pregnant! With what? Hey, can't spoil the surprise, now can we?
Prediction: Johnny Depp gets a nice paycheck, and the Starz Channel has its November movie of the month.
Probable Entertainment Value: D

A young man, orphaned at birth and living with his kindly grandfather (Jack Warden) in a 19th century village, decides to become a great artist. Though he faces many obstacles, he finds companionship from his beloved dog. Based on the 1872 children's book by Marie Louise de la Ramée.
Prediction: Writer/director Kevin Brodie's last big picture was Treacherous, starring C. Thomas Howell. Nice to see he's moving up in the world, but geez...must we suffer the results?
Probable Entertainment Value: C

Based on the Jay Ward animated series from the '60s, this live action movie follows the heroic exploits of earnest Mountie Dudley Do-Right (Brendan Fraser) as he tries to foil the evil plan of Snidely Whiplash (Alfred Molina) to swindle all the Valley residents of their land.
Prediction: How many actors can switch back and forth between low-budget art films (Gods and Monsters) and big studio cartoon movies for kids? For that alone, Fraser deserves a pat on the back. But unless you still haven't tried all the colors in your 64-pack Crayola box, this might be too childish for you.
Probable Entertainment Value: C

Omar Epps plays an intense undercover cop who infiltrates the underworld empire of crime kingpin "God" (LL Cool J). But after he stays "under" for too long, his superiors start questioning his loyalty. Will he be seduced by the dark side?!!
Prediction: I've never, ever heard of this storyline before. It's amazing that in the 100 years of cinema history, such an obvious plot for a cop movie has never been utilized. Wow. It just goes to show how fresh Hollywood's idea factory is these days.
Probable Entertainment Value: D

Albert Brooks co-writes and directs this comedy about a screenwriter in Hollywood who suddenly finds himself all washed up—until a fellow writer introduces him to a muse. Rather, not just a muse, but a real-live Greek mythology Muse (Sharon Stone). She agrees to take him on as a client, and his life takes a definite turn.
Prediction: God bless Albert Brooks—he's uniquely funny and still gets movie deals. But how long can he keep his angst intact for our entertainment?
Probable Entertainment Value: A

Based on Michael "Big Bucks" Crichton's best-selling novel Eaters of the Dead, this bit of high adventure relates the thousand-year-old tale of Ibn Fahdlan (Antonio Banderas), an Iranian emissary who comes across a band of Norse warriors in the middle of Central Asia. They are on a quest to destroy mysterious creatures who consume the living, and decide that Ibn is their 13th warrior.
Prediction: Antonio Banderas leading a bunch Norse warriors against evil monsters? Sure, what the hell! It'll at least be better than Die Hard IV.
Probable Entertainment Value: B

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