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Tucson Weekly Dem Bones

Dorkiness Triumphed At The Democratic Convention.

By Tom Danehy

AUGUST 28, 2000:  Lessons we learned during last week's Democratic Convention in Los Angeles:

First off, were it possible for him to run again, Bill Clinton would be re-elected in a landslide. Even most of my Republican friends agree with that. The guy's just got it; he had that convention at fever pitch. He'd beat Gore or Bush by double-digits without breaking a sweat. He'd be a trivia question: Who's the only president to be impeached and then handily re-elected?

The economy is so spectacular, even Jerry Falwell would hold his nose and vote for Clinton. But Bill can't run, so we're going to have to choose between two guys who want very much to be like him. If only you could buy charisma ... Wait, if you could, we'd be talking about President Steve Forbes.

Today's protesters suck! Was that a pathetic display or what? You've got the governing party holding its presidential nominating convention, with (if you'll pardon the expression) the whole world watching, and people in the streets are protesting and getting arrested for advocating bike lanes?! What the hell?

Jeez, why not leash laws? All I know is, I never thought I'd find myself rooting for the LAPD.

Part of it is due to the fact that things aren't all that bad out there. Oh sure, there's a greater disparity than ever before between rich and poor, but there is also this big, fat middle class with houses, SUVs and cable TV. We're not at war with anybody and there is no imminent threat thereof. Heck, the poor Russians have taken to sinking their own subs. So, what's to protest, really?

The timing of the leak on that Clinton grand jury item was so suspicious, odds are 50-50 that the Dems did it. Robert Ray, the little weenie who's trying to follow in the size one-half footsteps of Kenneth Starr, convened yet another grand jury, the news of which leaked out mere hours before Al Gore's acceptance speech. The only person who seemed to care was CNN's John King, who said, "It's not clear whether the grand jury will seek ac-sex to new documents." That's getting to the heart of the matter.

Of all the protesters who sucked, the PETA dorks sucked the most.

Get this straight, PETA people: Nobody gives a crap about furs. The point was well taken when first raised and those whose minds were open to change have already done so. Most of us had never worn animal furs, anyway. Some of those who had worn them in the past decided to stop. Others saw nothing wrong with it and continued wearing them. And still others started wearing animal furs simply because you had annoyed them so much with your grating manner.

When all was said and done, we're back where we started, numbers-wise, with the only real difference being that now everybody hates you.

I've always wondered what PETA would tell indigenous people who live in the Himalayas or along the Amazon. Should these natives go out and start cultivating rayon? Or is it OK for them to use animal skins for clothing and shelter? And if it is OK, doesn't that make PETA's stance condescending and/or inconsistent?

Why don't you guys try to make life better for people? I'm sorry, this may be simplistic, but to me, human life is priceless while a cat is worth about 37 cents. I'm not going to be mean to animals, I won't let anybody else be mean to them in my presence, and I'll even feed the occasional stray. But I'll never put them ahead of people. My efforts are better focused on a wino leaning against a building somewhere than on Fido.

Finally, this is the big one. Meat is NOT murder. Meat is DIN-NER.

Over the years, my taste had drifted away from beef. I would go weeks without a hamburger or a steak. Now, I try to eat beef at least once a week just to piss you guys off. And I'm sure I'm not the only one.

So, y'all need to take your sunken-cheek, Fiona-Apple-lookin', plant-life-sandal-wearin' butts on down the road. How does it feel to know that you sucked worse than the bike-lane people?

Rush Limbaugh has become completely inconsequential. This was to be expected, of course. Everything runs in cycles. But he has become embarrassing. He used to be amusing and/or infuriating. Now, he's boring and predictable.

Take, for example, his snottiness over global warming. There is irrefutable evidence that the Earth is getting warmer. At the same time, there is a sincere difference of opinion within the scientific community over whether that warming is due to a natural cycle that we don't fully understand or because of something that mankind is doing wrong.

All Limbaugh does is wait for the first big snowstorm each winter and then say, "Hey, what about this 'global warming' stuff? I thought we were getting warmer. Why is it snowing?"

You freakin' dolt!

If Al Gore blows this election (and it looks like he's going to), it'll be one of the biggest chokes of all time. We've had eight straight years of unprecedented prosperity, the economy is roaring but not over-heating, unemployment is down, schools are getting better, crime is way down, consumer confidence is high, and in the world, America stands as the undisputed Baddest Dude in the history of civilization! Why would anybody want to change the status quo?

Greed is always a motivating factor, but even the greediest of people like what Clinton has done. What does Bush offer, except the chance for the richest 5 percent to get even richer with the abolishment of the inheritance tax? That shouldn't be enough.

This election is Gore's to lose. Now watch him do it.


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