Weekly Wire
Metro Pulse Psychic Movie Predictions

AUGUST 24, 1998: 

Buddy is a dog. Josh is his boy. Josh joins the football team. As it turns out, Buddy is quite the wide receiver, which does not escape the notice of some evil Russian Circus Wranglers. It's like the Cold War, but with a pooch playing Reagan.
Prediction: Same basic plot as the first one, but the balls are a different shape.
Probable Entertainment Value: C

The weather in England has gone to crap—yes, more than usual. The Ministry, Britain's most secret agency, is called in to investigate. Bets are on the hyper-intelligent Sir August De Wynter (Sean Connery) but John Steed (Ralph Fiennes) and Emma Peel (Uma Thurman) will find out for certain. Based on the cult-classic '60s TV series.
Prediction: Uma Thurman, Ralph Fiennes, Sean Connery, DP Roger Pratt (12 Monkeys), and Production Designer Stuart Craig (The English Patient) can provide a feast for almost every sense one has. Hopefully, director Jeremiah Chechik (Benny and Joon) just got out of their way.
Probable Entertainment Value: A

Jamaica is a magical island. Stella, who just happens to be 40, meets Winston, who just happens to be 20. And this particular 20-year-old shows our Stella how to loosen up and let life take her. Finally, the movie-going public gets a break from the whole man-on-Viagra/woman-with-platinum-card plotline.
Prediction: Angela Bassett and Whoopi Goldberg never seem to get the great parts they deserve. Hopefully, this flick will change all of that. But, given the way Hollywood usually operates, well, let's just say I wouldn't hold my breath.
Probable Entertainment Value: B

Love makes a person do silly things, like sneak out of the basement window in the dark of night in order to get some quality time with the object of your affection. Of course, we all know what this kind of quality time can lead to and the Pzoniak family is full of repeat offenders. Lena Olin, Gabriel Byrne, and Claire Danes star.
Prediction: Did the world really need another ethnic-family strife movie? How many times can we watch a clan with a vaguely exotic last name laugh and cry, as they eat vaguely exotic foods? Apparently, once more.
Probable Entertainment Value: C

A hypothetical: three friends commit a crime in oh-so-strict Malaysia. Two friends leave. One stays. The one who stays is sentenced to hang for said crime, unless the other two can be convinced to leave their comfy lives in the States and join him in a dank Malaysian prison. So what would you do? Would that change if you were a Hollywood exec, or a creature equally as heartless?
Prediction: Vince Vaughn, Anne Heche, Joaquin Phoenix, and Jada Pinkett Smith star. Can any of them even find Malaysia on a map?
Probable Entertainment Value: C

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