Blue Period
Sylvester Stallone tries to redeem himself in Cop Land. [2]
Jim Ridley

Film Reviews
The Chronicle's film reviews. [3]

Movie Guru
Jesse Fox Mayshark investigates Hollywood's latest Conspiracy Theory. [4]
Jesse Fox Mayshark

Visions of Paranoia
According to Conpiracy Theory, "they" are out there. [5]
Debbie Gilbert

Fish Fry
Meet the Irish version of Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble. On second thought, don't bother. [6]
Stacey Richter

Shall We Dance?
This Japanese film will leave you light as air as you waltz out of the theater. [7]
Mary Dickson

Kiss Me Guido
This new gay comedy has a thing or two to learn about stereotypes. [8]
Devin D. O'Leary

Videos a Go-Go
Every week, we take apart a movie genre for your enhanced rent 'n' view pleasure. [9]
Jesse Fox Mayshark

Videodrome
Our video wrangler rustles up Coffy and Spider Baby from cult director Jack Hill. [10]
Scott Phillips

Scanlines
Reviews of Invasion USA (video), The Girl and the Geek (video), and Mexican Monsters on the March (video). [11]
Jerry Renshaw

Now What?
What's the matter, couldn't find a review of that blockbuster film you're excited about? We certaintly don't want to leave you disappointed -- why not try some of these larger-than-life movie links? [12]

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hich is more irritating: (1) Reading a glowing review of a movie, deciding to see it, and cringing for two hours as you discover it's an insipid pile of crap; or (2) Reading a vociferous pan of a movie, opting to avoid it, then finding out months later that it was actually pretty cool, and man, wouldn't it have looked great on the big screen?

Personally, I find option (1) the worse of the two, especially ever since I sat through Chasing Amy, about which a lot of people raved. Despite many critics' praiseful words like "touching," "complex," and "inspired," I hated that film. Every moment Chasing Amy's narrative lumbered forward engulfed me in cosmic crisis, leading me to conclude we're all a bunch of pathetic lemurs on this cold, confusing mudball called Planet Earth.

To help save humanity, every week Weekly Wire presents opposite-minded reviews of the same movie. This way, we figure, you'll neither be disappointed by stinkers nor outrageously surprised when something is actually "good." It's the least we can do for your psyche.

Take Cop Land, for instance. One reviewer calls the picture a gripping, intelligent crime drama; the other says Sylvester Stallone's chubby persona is the flick's only asset. Who's right? Who's wrong? It doesn't matter, because now you can leave the theater knowing somewhere out there is a professional critic who agrees with you.

We've done the same for Conspiracy Theory. Is Mel Gibson's paranoiac performance just a stuttering shtick, or does it cry out for an Oscar? Some of "them" find the movie idiotic, but it's worth noting that "they" beg to differ.

Sorry to say, a few of our reviews only provide one side of the story. We realize this imbalance could throw the earth out of orbit at any time, and we're working round the clock to obtain counter-reviews. Until then, we advise you to deploy all skeptical faculties so you can imagine opposing opinions of the following critiques:

• The Van

• Shall We Dance?

• Kiss Me Guido

• Def Jam's How To Be A Player, Free Willy 3: The Rescue, Gregg Araki's Nowhere, and Mrs. Brown

Talk Back
If you're one of the few who didn't think Volcano blew, The Lost World bit, or The Fifth Element was one element too many, here's the forum to defend your opinion--crazy though it may be.

Curious about a particular director's work? Not sure what to rent at the video store? Enjoy reading several contrasting opinions of the same film? This is the place for you. Hundreds of reviews lie at your fingertips, sortable by genre, date or director.