Weekly Wire
Weekly Alibi Odds & Ends

By Devin D. O'Leary

AUGUST 10, 1998: 

Dateline: Canada--Mad scientist alert! A team of Canadian scientists have come up with a fishy idea to protect ice cream from freezer damage--they're going to inject it with flounder fat. Scientists from the University of Toronto and Toronto's Hospital of Sick Children (who presumably consume a lot of ice cream) have isolated a protein in ice-loving flounder that prevents them from becoming fishsicles in the frigid coast off Newfoundland. When used in the creation of yummy dairy deserts, the fish fat inhibits the formation of large ice crystals that can damage taste. No word yet on how the fish protein tastes. Scientists speculate that a synthetic form of the protein could also be used to create a cold- resistant citrus crop and may increase the shelf life of blood platelets up to two weeks.


Dateline: Ohio--Speaking of weird frozen treats, workers at the Columbus Zoo have discovered a popular new way to feed the gorillas during the good old summertime. The zoo's nine great apes have been happily cooling themselves on frozen gorilla goodies made from diluted fruit juice and Gatorade with little edible treats inside like peanuts, sliced fruit and marshmallows. The confectionery caretakers are now planning on expanding to "bloodsicles" for the big cats and "fishsicles" for the bears.


Dateline: Ohio--The city of Fostoria, Ohio, has just passed a city ordinance that bans bad behavior. According to the newly drafted "code of conduct," it is now officially wrong to lie, litter, curse, vandalize property or use drugs inside the city limits of Fostoria. There are, however, no penalties for doing so.


Dateline: Colorado--A film developer working for Eastman Kodak in Denver is suing the company for forcing her to perform her job in the dark. Dorothy Neubauer, who became depressed on the job after working in the dark for 25 years, claims to be afflicted with Seasonal Affective Disorder--a temporary depression that can be triggered when people do not spend enough time in the light. The darkroom-detesting developer is suing Eastman Kodak for violating the Americans with Disabilities Act because they would not let her perform her job in a well-lighted area. Following her termination while on short-term disability leave, Neubauer filed a lawsuit in U.S. District Court seeking re-employment and unspecified monetary damages.


Dateline: Tennessee--A very strange vandal, a bizarre performance artist or an extremely dissatisfied customer slipped away from Tennessee police after coating an entire hotel room with Vaseline. The unknown man recently checked into a Howard Johnson's hotel in Murfreesboro, Tenn. Two days later, after the man checked out, maids went to clean the room and found the entire place coated top-to-bottom in Vaseline. Police found 15 empty containers of petroleum jelly in the room. Damage was estimated at $1,375 dollars.


Dateline: Nevada--A price-conscious shoplifter earned himself an honorary spot on "The Price is Right" by picking the right things to swipe at a Nevada drug store last week. Billy Gibbs was nabbed by a security guard for allegedly walking out without paying for an armload of merchandise including several fistfuls of jewelry. The guard counted up Gibbs' haul and the cash value came to $254. In Nevada, the theft of merchandise worth more than $250 is a felony. Gibbs saved himself a long trip to the state pen, however, by pointing out that the bottle of cologne he'd allegedly boosted was on sale. That dropped the total cost of goods down to a mere $248.16. Gibbs is now charged with the misdemeanor crime of petty larceny.


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