espite years of advice columns, talk shows, TV programs like Men Behaving Badly and best-selling books like Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, men are still as stupid as a bunch of oxen when it comes to dealing with women. It's like that Socrates quote, "The more you know, the more you realize how much you don't know," except with a twist: "The more you think you know, the more you become a complacent jerk, until you slip and have to learn it all over again." For a lot of us, anyway.

ong introductions aside, let's get to the point: This issue of Weekly Wire contains a fantastic primer on keeping a woman happy. Alright, stop -- cut that above-it-all skepticism out right now because this is the real thing. There's no vague, wishy-washy advice here. Just specific suggestions to help you navigate the gray area between Sensitive Guy and Hairy Primate without driving yourself crazy. Memorize them.

ow for something completely disgusting. Ever wonder what your mindset would be if you worked as a corpse beautician, late-night crime-scene photographer, rat-and-roach exterminator, or in a clean-up crew that specializes in violent aftermaths? Or are you one of those people who floats through life shielding yourself from all thoughts of death? I was too until I read this article. It's a strange world.

lenty of other choice stuff awaits you here. Articles about child custody and innocent people on death row prove that our legal system still has plenty to learn about Doin' Justice Right. And for jam-packed action, listen to a customer at one of Utah's government-run liquor stores mouth off at its rude employees, watch the saber-tongued Captain Opinion fight for his own special tax breaks; and shudder in horror as a newspaper editor is forced at gunpoint [editor's note: slight exaggeration] to sing Kumbayah at a "cerebral camp." Or sit back and relax as the world goes insane in our regular Odds & Ends column.

 quick note for techno nerds and would-be techno nerds: This article provides a totally neato update on Windows and Mac operating systems (the new Windows is titled "Windows '98," so expect its timely arrival at a store near you in, like, 1999). And this groovy story about security issues and money transfers on the Internet makes even dunces like me think they understand something. That's a feeling even Pepsi Points can't buy.

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The Hairy Primate's Guide to Women
Making the Right Moves. [2]
Amy Alkon, "The Advice Goddess"

Just Another Day At The Office
What's Albuquerque's nastiest job? How about working at a funeral home? How about cleaning up after traffic accidents and suicides? [3]
Susan Kyne

Sheathing Solomon's Sword
An experimental law in Tennessee seeks to make divorce less painful for Knox County children. But can legislation heal what families put asunder? [4]
Val Pendergrast

Innocence Found on Death Row
"The danger that innocent people will be executed because of errors in the criminal justice system is getting worse," says a new report. [5]
Christopher Smart

Liquor Store Blues
Utah Republicans prove their inherent hypocricy: running a monopoly that kicks the down-and-out while raking in more money through the State Liquor Store. [6]
John Harrington

The Urge To IRB
City Should Pay For My Job Creation Skills. [7]
Cap'n O

Facing the Music
Memphis teens grapple with racial differences at Anytown. [8]
Dennis Freeland

Safety Net
Security becomes the issue du jour as money changes hands on the World Wide Web. [9]
Ann Mulhearn

System Overload
Looking into the Latest Operating Systems. [10]
David O. Dabney

Odds & Ends
Weird news for weird times. [11]
Devin D. O'Leary

Now What?
A Web link page chock full of resources, recommendations, and staff picks pertaining to the subject of this section. [12]

Build your own custom paper. To find out more about this feature, click here.

Memorial Multiplication
Will Downtown's proposed Holocaust Memorial rob us of a prime loitering spot? [07-28-97]
Cap'n O

Thin Line
Media criticism. [06-06-97]
Christopher Johnson