Do-Nothing Institute

By Cap'n O

"Yes folks, it's true. After days of scouring the city, we have tracked down debate dodger and Democratic congressional candidate Phil Aloof. We found him in the vault of the city's biggest bank where he is sitting on the floor counting piles of money.

That's quite a stash of cash you've got there, Mr. Aloof.

Yes, it is. It's huge. I'm rich, and you're not.

Mr. Aloof, everybody knows that forums and debates are sometimes meaningless. But almost everybody has the impression that you're ducking them because you're a shallow, mindless little rich boy who doesn't know anything about anything, let alone the major issues facing this state and nation, and that you're afraid that voters will see just how empty-headed you really are. What do you have to say about that?

My campaign's working on that. We've got it under study.

Mr. Aloof, the critics say that you're running only because your rich mommy is buying the congressional seat because she wants a congressman in the family, a feather in her cap, if you will. Your response?

Ridiculous! Mommy doesn't wear caps!

Mr. Aloof, the Asian financial crisis continues to grow and threatens the stability of American markets. What should we do about this?

Good question. My campaign's working on that. We've got it under study.

Mr. Aloof, New Mexico is dead last among the states when it comes to per-capita income. We're the poorest state in the nation. What would you do to change this?

Excellent question. My campaign is working on that. We've got it under study.

Mr. Aloof, critics charge that President Bill Clinton has weakened this nation's military by cutting back on defense spending. Is our military in a dangerous state of unreadiness? And if so, what would you do about it?

Get the campaign to study it.

Mr. Aloof, if America found itself at war, how would you react?

Incredulously.

Do you even know what that word means?

No, but the campaign's working on it.

Mr. Aloof, what do you think of those Lobos?

I think the campaign needs to study them. We'll do just that.

Mr. Aloof, what color are your eyes?

We've got that under study. That's certainly one of the key working positions of this campaign.

Mr. Aloof, this is shameful. You don't have any answers. All you say is that the campaign is working on it. Can you answer anything yourself or are you as shallow as people say?

Yes, I can. Give me some real questions.

OK. India and Pakistan have been conducting nuclear weapons tests. There is fear that the South Asian arms race is escalating. As congressman, how would you approach the issue?

Carefully. I believe that people should race with their legs, not with their arms. You can be assured that on my first day in office I will propose legislation to ban arms races and to keep racers off escalators.

Mr. Aloof, In view of the fact that Social Security is scheduled to go bankrupt, should we cap the COLA (Cost of Living increases)?

Absolutely. I have always and strongly believed that colas should be capped. They should be capped at the bottling plant. If colas aren't capped, bugs and dust will get into the bottles, and worse, the colas will lose their fizz. I will introduce legislation requiring that all colas be capped at bottling time. And colas should be capped in a second way. We should cap the amount of colas in mixed drinks. By doing that we leave more room for booze, which means that my family sells more hooch and that I make more money and will become even richer than I already am. If I believe in anything, it's that colas should be capped.

Phil, is bigotry dead in America?

I hope not. I firmly believe that all big trees should live as long as possible. And as your congressman, I will work to keep big trees alive.

Mr. Aloof, does your wealth keep you out of touch with the masses?

Not at all. I go to church two or three times a week. I'm always at the masses.

Mr. Aloof, it appears that your critics are right. It seems that you don't have a brain.

Not true! It's right here. Look!

Where?

In my marble bag. It's the smallest one.

The opinions expressed by individual writers are solely their own, and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Weekly Alibi's management or staff.

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