f all the theories bandied about for why aliens bother visiting Earth, the one that makes the most sense is simply: teenagers. Those spacecrafts that keep sideswiping Uncle Bob's barn in Indiana, and abducting isolated trailer-park residents so they can prod them humilatingly? Nothing but purple-skinned, postadolescent pranksters out for a night's fun. Unfortunately, when one of their inebriated, hubris-filled young'uns crashed near Roswell, New Mexico 50 years ago, the party was over. Now aliens must suffer the indignity of having their images plastered on T-shirts, postcards, coffee mugs and anything else that will sell. A report on the local marketing bonanza surrounding the mishap's anniversary makes clear why E.T.'s kids are now denied access to the family saucer.

s it just me, or does Weekly Wire have an inordinately high proportion of Internet-related stories this week? For example: An article about Deja News, a web site that helps you track down Usenet posts, lauds the Austin, Texas company for making the most of its niche. Our Brave New World column surveys the best search engines--invaluable resources without which the Web would be impossible to use. Too bad the pathetic inmate in this story didn't make better use of his resources: suspected of sending questionable email to Tori Amos, he lost all his Net privileges for life. Now he's crying "cruel and unusual punishment." Sniff.

peaking of prisons and punishment, find out why U.S. District Court Judge John T. Nixon keeps annoying his Southern cronies by overturning death penalty decisions. Another story shows how youth clubs help teenagers avoid a different kind of death penalty -- the kind administered on street corners by guns pointed out of car windows. Kathie Lee Gifford and Martha Stewart, meanwhile, have recently endured penalties worse than death: mass public humiliation. Our Home Brood columnist explains why they don't deserve it. (Surprisingly, it has nothing to do with the fact that they're aliens.)

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Crash Fest
The 50th anniversary of the alleged Roswell UFO crash is cause for small-town celebration. [2]
Jim Nintzel

Odds & Ends
Around the news in seven days. [3]
Devin D. O'Leary

Broken Homemakers
Cutting Martha Stewart and Kathie Lee Gifford some slack. [4]
Margaret Renkl

Slow to Judge
Critics have called for Judge John Nixon's impeachment, but they fail to see that his stance on the death penalty is emblematic of his thoughtful, cautious mind-set. [5]
Richard Urban

Upcoming Events
Fisk University's Race Relations Institute gears up for a conference that will bring people from all over to discuss the issue of race. [6]

The Post Man Always Saves Twice
Austin's Deja News has become the world's leading source for archived Usenet postings. [7]
Andy Langer

Brave New World
Search engines and subject indexes of the Internet. [8]
David O. Dabney

The Hacker & The Heretic
Apple's buyout of NeXT could bring success to two Albuquerque software developers. [9]
Kyle Silfer

Prison Sentence: Life Without the Web
Utah prison inmate Michael Patrick Moore has been sentenced to life without computers for allegedly sending off-color e-mail to rock star Tori Amos. [10]
Christopher Smart

Success Stories
Local kids make good, thanks to the Boys & Girls Club. [11]
Tom Danehy

Now What?
A Web link page chock full of resources, recommendations, and staff picks pertaining to the subject of this section. [12]

¡Viva la Alianza!
Thirty years after the Tierra Amarilla Courthouse Raid. [06-13-97]
Kevin Klein

Wasting Away
What Blake de Pastino learned from Albuquerque's top water wasters. [06-06-97]
Blake de Pastino

Urban Ascention
Jack Neely visits Knoxville, Tennessee's southern sister, Chattanooga, and asks, "What has she got that we don't got?" The answers may surprise you. Or not. [07-02-97]
Jack Neely