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Free to Be Me

By Cap'n O

July 8, 1997:  Freedom is priceless. But our liberties in America, paid for with so much blood and so many mangled, bullet-riddled bodies, are under attack by the thought police, including President Dictator and his wife, the First Dictator.

So this Fourth of July weekend--the birthday of the greatest and most unfettered nation earth has ever known--let's dust off the brains, pull ourselves up out of the couches, give thanks for our freedoms and, like true Americans, exercise them.

Start by sitting in a dark room by yourself and working up an all-consuming, mouth-foaming, blinding hatred of somebody. Yes, in America, you are still free to practice this most basic of human emotions. And the thought police can't stop you because they still can't read minds. And as long as you don't act on the hatred, you're OK.

You are free to, in the privacy of your own mind, hate any ethnic, religious, racial or socio-economic group whose members are different than you. Some traditional targets are Jews, Catholics, blacks, whites, homos, straights, the wealthy, the poor, liberals, conservatives, neighbors, relatives, loud children, idiots and slow bartenders. But if you really want to experience the rapture of liberty, hate those whom you have never hated before.

Are there old people who walk slow and block your way and make you late for everywhere you go? Hate 'em. Got co-workers who are good at their jobs? Loathe and despise them. In all of my years in this blessed country I have never heard of anybody ever hating bakers, bald people, watchmakers, magicians or bookbinders. Let's change that.

I suspect, though, that technology will eventually allow the thought police to enter our minds and that hatred will be outlawed. But one liberty that no amount of technology will ever be able to wrest away is this: As an American, you are absolutely free--whether you're on a city bus, in church, a grocery store, a cafe, at the opera or on a job interview--to pee in your pants. Sure, urinating in public is illegal, but that's because you're whipping out and exposing genitalia. But when you urinate in your pants or dress, no offensive parts are exposed, and so you're legal. Cherish this right, and exercise it often.

There is no law against picking one's nose, either in the privacy of one's home, vehicle or in public. Aside from the freedom of thought and speech, this is the most universally and frequently practiced act of personal sovereignty. Lawyers, judges, cops, doctors, presidents, bums, men, women, adults, children, fools, geniuses--everybody picks. And if hunger strikes, you're free to ingest that mucus without fear of being shackled and tossed into a dank cell.

The bible admonishes us not to, but in America you can covet your neighbor's spouse or goods, and no one can do a damn thing about it. Does the neighbor have a hot, sultry wife, a beefy, well-built husband or nice set of tools or dishes? Covet them. Wish they were yours. Fantasize about you and that wife or hubby getting naked and gooey and making the dining room table or tool bench creak.

In this country you are free to pray for anything, including wealth and the death of enemies, friends who smile too much and flirts who lead you on and never put out.

In no other nation do you have the freedom to shop 24 hours a day. And no one can tell you what to buy or eat. In America, you can go to the store and buy lard, slather it on bread and eat it, or smear it in between your toes and try to convince somebody to lick it off.

In this, the greatest of nations, you can stare for hours with your naked eyes at the blazing sun and then laugh yourself crazy to the hospital knowing that there was no law against it.

And most importantly, in America, you are free to think exactly like me. Bye.

--Cap'n O







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