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The Canadian Menace!By Cap'n O JULY 6, 1998: Americans! This Fourth of July, while you drink yourself silly, bloat on meat and blow off your fingers with fireworks, make a pledge to return something to the nation that has allowed you to vegetate free from fear of invasion. Each of us can help as this the greatest nation in all of history works to erase forever the shame of the two most disgraceful events in the nation's expansionist period. With a little work by each loyal citizen we will inform the world in a resounding and unified voice that we reject absolutely the actions of our forefathers. With earnest toil from all we can reverse a dark blot on our national soul--the two failed invasions of Canada!
Canada always should have been ours. In 1775 our boys occupied Montreal and besieged Quebec City. But ultimately they were repulsed. Now is the time to redeem their valiant efforts. It can and should be ours! Look at a map. Are you not outraged by the icy finger of Canada that plunges dangerously deep into the Great Lakes region? Is there any reason why Detroit should be across the river from a foreign country? The answer is no! We must reunite the continent and take Canada. An armed invasion would secure the territory for us quickly. But the world community would frown and the Canadian government would get a national defense loan from the World Monetary Fund, which gets its money from us, and that would be crazy. The Canadians won't just give us their country. They're selfish. So we have to take it from them--steal it right out from under their noses. Here's how: Millions of Americans vacation to Canada each year in cars, mini-vans and trucks. Canadian Customs searches vehicles entering the country, but they don't check the ones that leave. So, patriots, on your next Canadian vacation pack a bushel basket and shovel. When you're in the land of the selfish foreigners, scrape up several shovel-fulls of their dirt and put it in your vehicle. Fill the kids' pockets and shoes with Canadian dirt. True patriots will pack the foreign soil under their fingernails, into their ears and, yes, even up their nostrils. If every U.S. citizen who visits Canada brings back a bushel or even a bucket of dirt, we'll have that country scraped clean down to rock in just a couple of years. What do we do with all that dirt? Dump it into the Gulf of Mexico where we could build several more states and add to our land mass. We could pile it up on the Great Plains and make more mountain ranges. We could use it to build more and stronger levees along the mighty Mississippi River so our people could move back into flood plains without worrying about wet basements and drowned house pets. Canadian dirt could be used to replace all of the topsoil we've lost to bad farming techniques, to fill in sinkholes, to make the Hawaiian Islands bigger, to fill in the desolate lands of the Great Basin with fertile farmlands and to make more cemeteries. This will be the funniest and most satisfying conquest in history. Imagine the sight of Canadians in Alberta and Saskatchewan standing around, scratching their heads and saying "Eh?" to each other when they wake up one day and discover that wheat won't grow on top of solid rock that's been scraped clean of dirt. Imagine how infuriated Canadians will be when we shoot guns and build for-profit, capitalist-style hospitals on their pirated dirt! They'll go crazy. To further insult these human popsicles, label the dirt you steal from them so we know where it came from. That way we can take the dirt taken from their sacred parks and precious mountain ranges and build steel mills, chemical plants and nuclear waste dumps on top of it. And don't feel bad for the Canadians who will be stuck living on a giant rock. They can make money by turning what's left of their country into an oversized gravel pit. Patriots! Act now! Buy a shovel and keep your fingernails dirty!
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