Weekly Wire
Weekly Alibi Odds & Ends

By Devin D. O'Leary

JUNE 8, 1998: 

Dateline: England--Following closely on the heels of the popular new hot-tea-in-a-can, comes England's newest contribution to cuisine convenience. Britain's Distinctive Drinks Co. has just introduced its new French-wine-in-a-can. Instead of a troublesome old cork, there's now a handy pop-top for winos on the go. The wine, which comes in Rouge or Blanc, contains enough for two glasses and sells for about $2. A special "nontoxic" coating inside each can prevents an aluminum taste from corrupting the fine beverage.

Dateline: Vietnam--A fisherman off the coast of Vietnam's central Quang Ngai province reeled in a whopper last Monday. According to the Labor newspaper, the startled fisherman captured a 33-pound seal from the North Pole. It is unknown whether the seal escaped from captivity or somehow got lost on El Niño-fueled ocean currents. The lost seal was sent to a nearby oceanographic institute, where an official was quoted as saying that North Pole seals have previously been found as far south as the Sea of Japan. That sea, however, lies more than 2,000 miles north of Quang Ngai.

Dateline: Wisconsin--The police chief of Madison, Wis., thought he was onto a brilliant idea when he hid his handgun in the oven to protect it from intruders. Unfortunately, the chief forgot where the gun was hidden. He remembered last week when he tried to cook a turkey in the already occupied oven. The handgun went off, firing a bullet through the oven and lodging it in a hallway banner. No one was injured. The turkey, presumably, was unharmed.

Dateline: Kansas--DNA tests conducted on the miraculous "bleeding plaque" of the Virgin Mary in Margarita Cazares' Lewis, Kansas, living room prove that the blood belongs to Mrs. Cazares. Believers, who have flocked to the small town about 120 miles west of Wichita, claim that this fact only adds to the miracle.

Dateline: Virginia--Police in Richmond, Va., had just wrapped their investigation of a robbery at a Wachovia Bank branch when the bank was robbed again. At 9:15 a.m., the first robber walked in and handed a threatening note to a teller. The robber walked away with an undetermined amount of cash. Some three hours later, investigators wrapped up their case and the bank reopened. A second robber promptly walked into the bank, announced that he had a gun and also walked away with an undetermined amount of cash. FBI spokesmen announced that they have no suspects in either robbery.

Dateline: Nevada--The city council of tiny Mesquite, Nev., voted last week to allow a Pamplona-style bull run down the main street of their town. The bull run is the brainchild of an American businessman who plans to charge 1,000 people $50 apiece to jog with the bulls.

Dateline: Nevada--Actor Max Baer Jr., best known for his role as the dimwitted Jethro Bodine on TV's "The Beverly Hillbillies," has announced plans to construct Jethro's Beverly Hillbillies Mansion & Casino in Reno, Nev. The casino/hotel, which is expected to begin construction in 1999, will feature such sitcom-themed attractions as Granny's Shotgun Wedding Chapel, Granny's Vittles and Hog Jowls restaurant and Drysdale's Fancy Eatin' for Rich'uns. Baer, now age 60, insists that the $100 million project will be "tastefully done."

--compiled by Devin D. O'Leary

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