Weekly Wire
Metro Pulse Psychic Movie Predictions

MAY 22, 2000: 

THE BIG KAHUNA (R)
Kevin Spacey once again proves that he is the ur-uptight everyman with this one-room drama about an industrial lubricant salesman waiting for a Godot-like big client. Call it the antidote to Glengarry Glen Ross.
Prediction: While I do think Spacey is brilliant (as is his co-star Danny DeVito), I'm just tired of working-white-guy angst. But any movie involving "industrial lubricants" has potential...
Probable Entertainment Value: B


DINOSAUR (PG-13)
State-of-the-art computer animation meets live-action backgrounds complete with the vocal talents of Alfre Woodard, Ossie Davis, Julianna Margulies, and Joan Plowright in this latest Disney adventure. Oh, and I suppose there is a story of some sort as well.
Prediction: I just find the whole thing creepy looking. But there are "flaming meteors."
Probable Entertainment Value: B


JOE GOULD'S SECRET (R)
New Yorker writer Joseph Mitchell wrote two profiles 50 years ago of the insane genius Joe Gould, building the careers of both in a mutually exploitative manner. Now, Stanley Tucci and Ian Holm bring the whole thing to the big screen.
Prediction: Writers are a generally uninteresting lot and movies about them always seem to lack any real tension. Will they dangle a participle? Will they make a bad pun? Even with the addition of the unstable Gould, it's hard to imagine any real dramatic potential. Eh, who needs drama anyway?
Probable Entertainment Value: C


THE LAST SEPTEMBER (R)
Maggie Smith is the matriarch of an Anglo-Irish family during the Irish "troubles." Love and social commentary unfold on this unsettled backdrop.
Prediction: It'll be like a Merchant-Ivory without Merchant or Ivory.
Probable Entertainment Value: C


ROAD TRIP (R)
Josh (Brecklin Meyer) cheats on his girlfriend. Someone mails a tape of said cheating to her in Austin (Texas, y'all) and he must road trip across the country in order to get it back. Yes, kids, this is the future of American cinema.
Prediction: Don't have one. I refuse to admit that Tom Green even exists, much less stars in movies. And, please, don't make me.
Probable Entertainment Value: E


SMALL TIME CROOKS (PG)
A Woody Allen romantic comedy about an ex-con dishwasher and his manicurist wife who decide to rob a bank. Their plot is foiled, however, by the likes of Hugh Grant, Tracey Ullman, George Grizzard, and Elaine May.
Prediction: Better than a sharp stick in the eye. And much better than a sharp Tom Green in any orifice.
Probable Entertainment Value: B


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