llicit drugs are like computers: just when you think you're up-to-date, the industry comes out with a better, more powerful model. Don't you hate that? Their latest instrument of drooling euphoria is the wonderful P-dope. Yes, P-dope, a brand of heroin so potent it's been known to cut through methadone like a Ginsu knife through tofu. Hoping to top their previous success with "crank," P-dope's innovative team of endorphin-tweaking engineers added procaine and lidocaine to the mix for that extra-special something. Now not only does your body's every cell pulsate in orgiastic waves, but you're siezed with a white-hot rush of lip-quivering bliss to boot. The critics are raving: "It's a national emergency!"

Meanwhile in Belgrade, Slobodan Milosevic just wants a little peace and quiet. But pesky reporters, like this one, keep driving by his house hoping to take photographs! What, isn't ethnic cleansing enough for them? Aren't the country's horrible crime, poverty and drunkenness rates enough to keep them busy? Plus you'd think all that porn on public TV would take their minds off the senseless, utterly tragic day-to-day violence that marks Yugoslav existence...wouldn't it? Yet people keep on driving by, ruining Slobodan's quiet naps and daydreams. Perhaps placing more sneering gunmen outside his house will help. Yes, yes.

Oh, by the way, if you're looking for some extra cash, remember: you can always trade in those extra black bear gall bladders you've got laying around the house for big money! And with cloning technologies on the horizon, think of the profits to be gained by merging humans and pigs! But if you really want to get rich quick, now's the time to become a stand-up comic who specializes exclusively in Bill Clinton sex jokes. You can't go wrong!

Speaking of comedy...It's perhaps a little late for April Fool's trickery, but a few of our regular columnists are gettin' ornery anyway. Doing a hilariously exaggerated send-up of himself, Captain Opinion explains that all biases, whether racist or rational, are exactly alike. Cranky Jeff Smith launches into self-parody with a detailed description of his HMO woes; and Nurse Ratchett recommends an allergy-relief plan that will prevent you from sneezing by making you throw up. What a bunch of cards, these guys.

Correction: The above columnists are all serious. Oops. I am so embarrassed. Fortunately, and amazingly, they work both ways.

Now What?
Can't get enough news? You're in luck -- more news is created every day. Our Now What? page offers a plethora of recommended links to help keep you living in the present. [15]

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P-doped Up
A potent designer heroin that slides under methadone is spreading through New England and changing the street-drug scene for the worse. [2]
Jason Gay

Postcard From Yugoslavia
Distracted by sex, crime, and poverty, post-war Belgraders continue to blame the West. [3]
Jacqueline Marino

Recalling "Young Moses"
In Memphis, Dr. King's dream is revivied -- but not without some fits and starts and ironies. [4]
Jackson Baker

The Second Mountaintop
Dr. King should not only be remembered as a civil rights leader. [5]

Bear Bile Bust
How to smuggle black bear gall bladders in a few easy steps. [6]
David Madison

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Scary Science or Brave New World?
The science of cloning and gene cross-manipulation could open a whole new world of fun. [7]

The High Road Not Taken
Why monologist Barry Crimmins regrets that he chose political barbs over cheap sex laughs. [8]
Barry Crimmins

Born on the Bias
Angry young man or cranky old fart? You decide! [9]
Cap'n O

Murder By HMO
When the going gets tough, why does your HMO always seem to give you the run-around? [10]
Jeff Smith

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Nurse Ratchett
Irrigating your way to allergy relief. [11]
Mike Ratchett, Staff Nurse

Germ Warfare
Margaret Renkl deals with sick young'uns. [12]
Margaret Renkl

Odds & Ends
Timed-release news capsules from the flipside. [13]
Devin D. O'Leary

Mr. Smarty Pants
Our resident know-it-all unearths the latest trivia. [14]
R.U. Steinberg

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