Volume I, Issue 43
March 30 - April 6, 1998

You know, I could go into my usual spiel about the week's articles. I could. I could ramble on and on about the joys of pro wrestling, or a college's ridiculous censorship of a harmless play, or what it's like participating in the U.S. Comedy Arts Festival and hanging out with Janeane Garofalo.

I could even babble effervescently about teens who take over fast-food joints, or form their own Web promotion companies, then look each other up on the Web years later.

But I'm putting all that aside because last week, I invited any and all Goths to respond to the eyeliner-smear campaign I'd leveled against them. A bona-fide Goth queen named only "Zoe" immediately wrote in to set the record straight, and how could I not print that? Listen to what she writes:

"As a goth, I thought I'd enlighten you on a few Gothic elements. First of all we do not habitate coffeeshops. CoffeSHOPS are for the Starbucks-lovin, baseball cap wearin generic population. We like coffeeHOUSES with pool tables, graffiti on the walls and servers with more metal in their faces than in their cars.

"Point Two: you don't see us in public writing poetry or drawing pictures of naked faeries. That is so '80s. These days we spend time in the computer room creating spinning skulls and ankhs for our pages.

"A real goth spends time bitching about being misunderstood and an outcast of society while sneering at all passersby.

"A real goth derides all Nine Inch Nails fans as posers.

"A real goth smokes cloves because cigarettes don't give the same melodramatic coughing of blood into a white handkerchief.

"A real goth keeps copies of Chaucer and Lovecraft in their bags and wouldn't be caught dead reading Dave Barry.

"A real goth hates herself, but not as much as she hates you.

"A real goth takes her pain and sense of hopelessness in a world of mediocrity and triteness completely seriously."

Thanks, Zoe, I stand corrected. I think.

Incidentally, all are invited to write letters about the week's articles. Letters with interesting comments may end up featured or excerpted in this space. (Even if your name's not as cool as "Zoe.")