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Gift of Gabber
Just add the sound of your car hitting a brick wall. [2]
Dave Chamberlain

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Illuminating
Michael McCall likes the new, improved Madonna. [3]
Michael McCall

Light Motifs
With "Ray of Light," Madonna, the most controversial pop star of the 1980s, has finally won back her alienated fans. [4]
Franklin Soults

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Finger-Picking Good
Tucson loves acoustic guitar wizard Leo Kottke, even though his cooking sucks. [5]
Chelley Salmon

Oh, Susana!
Susana Baca becomes a global diva. [6]
Kevin Klein

The Rapture
Mixing rap with religion might sound as ill-advised as mixing peanut butter with salmon, but MC Flexx is on a mission from God, hip-hop style. [7]
Ben Fulton

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Jesus Jones
To Boston music fans, Gary Cherone is a metal Christ figure. Now the screamer's teamed up with Van Halen, just in time to give the band a way to greet middle age with a modicum of dignity. [8]
Matt Ashare

Now What?
If you go gaga over the sultry smoothness of a symphonic glissando, just wait till you experience our transitions to cool and useful music links on the Web. [14]

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Rule #1: From now on, those discussing Madonna are no longer allowed to use the word "hegemony." Whether you're praising her new album or putting it down, "hegemony" is officially banned. In addition, high-falutin' references to deconstruction, semiotics, or the deeper meanings of Pop culture must be accompanied by evidence of doctoral certification or else they will result in a whipping.

Rule #2: A moratorium on new words for techno music is now in effect. No matter how crazy and different you believe your hybrid to be, it must be described using words already locatable in any small dictionary. If you insist on coming up with a new word, especially a word like "Gabber," you will be soundly beaten at 200 b.p.m.

Rule #3: All bands named "Van Halen," whose new frontmen are neither David Lee Roth nor Sammy Hagar, who come out with new albums titled "Van Halen III," and use references to pizza in their lyrics, will be whipped.

Rule #4: All readers of Weekly Wire's music section who do not progress to the arts section so they can read additional articles about Web radio and rock-n-roll toilets will be whipped.

Rule #5: All musical artists must now use names that do not begin with "DJ," "MC," or any other abbreviations. If your name is MC Flexx, for example, you must change your name to Flexx. That you use your hip-hop stylings as a medium for expressing the glory of God makes no difference.

Rule #6: All hip-hop stylists who use their medium to express the glory of God will be whipped.

Rule #7: Any musician, music writer or other creature that disagrees with any of the above, will be whipped.

Thank you.

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SXSW Record Reviews
Reviews of albums by bands playing this year's music conference, plus showcase info. [9]

Boston Phoenix CD Reviews
Black Grape, Labradford, Sue Garner, Towa Tei, Unwound, Olu Dara, Fred Frith, and Ratsy. [10]

Turn Up That Noise!
An eclectic survey of recent recordings. [11]
Stephen Grimstead

Richard Davies "Telegraph"; Ani DiFranco "Little Plastic Castle"
Lettin' lose with some funky juice, slappin' down the platters that matter and writing brief reviews of current musical releases for your edification. [12]
Michael Henningsen

Rhythm & Views
Bent Scepters, Rick Nelson, The Donnas. [13]