Weekly Wire
Weekly Alibi Stop Being Stupid

By Cap'n O

MARCH 15, 1999:  Professional Democratic and Republican politicians in Minnesota are aghast over some of the recent statements by professional wrestler and former U.S. Navy Seal-turned governor, Jesse Ventura.

Two weeks ago Ventura shocked the professional politicians by telling a young single mother who whined that the state should help her that her problems were none of the state's business. He told her that because she was stupid enough to get pregnant at an early age without being married, it was her problem, not the state's.

The professional pols are fretting over Ventura's statement. They should be. Because for once there is a politician who isn't lying to the public and who isn't pandering to the irresponsible, reckless, thumb-sucking idiots in this nation who want the taxpayers to pay for their stupidity.

Ventura is a politician who, by speaking the truth, will break up the big club that politicians from both parties have established for themselves. It's the club of Job Security. You join by getting and keeping people dependent on government instead of on themselves.

Ventura has a common sense, personal responsibility approach to living. We need more politicians like him, so we can finally end the idea that the idiots of the world have the right to suck our money like human leeches.

Here are some typical, whiny complaints, how they would be answered by typical politicians, and how they should be answered:

• Whiny Complaint: My child is doing poorly in school. She's not getting the attention she needs. I think we need lower teacher/student ratios. What can you do for me?

Job Security Club: I am sooooooo concerned about education. We must ensure that all of our children get the absolute best education. I stand prepared to spend more of your money on it. Spend, spend, spend, spend.

Honest Politician: Can't do anything for you anymore. We've spent billions on education, and we still produce idiots. Why? Look in the mirror. I'll give you a 2-to-1 teacher/student ratio. It's called you and your dipshit husband sitting on the couch at night with your kid, making sure she does her reading, writing and arithmetic.

Whiny Complaint: I am horrified by gun violence in our nation. There are too many guns. Shouldn't we just ban guns?

Job Security Club: There is no place for violence and hatred in our society. Guns hurt children. Violence is rampant. It is time this government exercises its moral responsibility and says "no" to this scourge.

Honest Politician: Read, learn and get facts instead of falling for hysteria. There are 240 million guns in this country. In 1996, guns were used in 450,000 crimes. That means less than 1 percent of the guns owned by Americans were used in crimes. I will not punish 99 percent of the people for the crimes of less than 1 percent. Wake up stupid, and stop being manipulated. If you're afraid of creeps, buy a gun.

• Whiny Complaint: I've smoked three packs of cigarettes a day for the past 35 years, and now I have lung cancer. Will you make it easier for me to sue the tobacco companies for my medical bills?

Job Security Club: The illness and pain that tobacco has wreaked on this nation is unconscionable. The tobacco industry makes a dangerous product. Those who harm Americans must be made to pay.

Honest Politician: Can you read, stupid? The label on the side of cigarette packs say that smoking can make you sick. You took a risk and lost. Don't blame anyone else but yourself, you pathetic whiner.

• Whiny Complaint: I'm a politician. I just lost my election. I'm shocked because, clearly, I was the progressive candidate. The voters obviously made a huuuuge mistake. Shouldn't people who think just like me have two or three votes? And shouldn't the votes of those who voted against me be thrown out? Shouldn't I be able to sue them? Shouldn't there be a law?

Job Security Club: Clearly, the people have spoken. But it is obvious from your progressive credentials that they failed to speak clearly. I believe we need to examine our election process because when good people can't get elected to office, something is wrong!

Honest Politician: Yeah, we do need a law--against people like you.

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