Volume I, Issue 40
March 9 - March 16, 1998

Now more than ever, the world is a dangerous and tempting place for those with addictive personalities. Take it from me: I can barely stop biting my nails. Though people speak of computer skills and literacy as the most valuable qualities for the 21st century, I think discipline and willpower will be what really separate the prevailers from the survivors.

Which is why I'm definitely keeping my distance from Ultima Online, one of many recent advances in the world of virtual reality. This article reveals that not only do participants, who can see each other in a high-tech 3-D environment while chatting via old-fashioned text, learn to fight and barter and kill in their online world, they also form real communities. Sounds addictive, so I think I'll stick to the "useless" stuff that knows it's useless. Otherwise I'm apt to confuse virtual reality with the real thing.

Darts are addictive too, but at least you get to develop some hand-eye skills and impress the real-live folks in the bar where you're playing. That is, if you're any good. I tend to miss the dart board entirely, leaving unseemly holes all over the wall. Note to kids at home: be sure to lock the door so somebody doesn't open it just after you've thrown a dart! That happened to me once....long story.

Perhaps I should stick to Barbie-doll collecting. It's addictive, but at least you have something to show for it over the years. Namely, Barbies. There are Barbies who get pregnant, Barbies whose breasts grow, Barbies who (thanks to clever pranksters) speak using G.I. Joe's voice, Barbies in wheelchairs, and someday soon I hope, Siamese-twin Barbies. If you collect enough Barbies, you can even open a Barbie shoppe. For Barbie addicts only, of course.

Just don't get addicted to alcohol, because what it'll give you to show for it over the years is something you don't want. Trust me. And if you must bar hop, do it in New Orleans. At the very least, you'll be establishing an addiction of the finest quality.

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