THIS WEEK'S BIGGEST WINNERS
1. OPRAH WINFREY
Making the world safe once again for superficial investigations and smarmy ass-kissing, Oprah left those Texas cattlemen in the dust.
2. HARRY CARAY
Elbows grew sore as Chicago collectively raised a glass in honor of the late broadcast legend.
3. R. KELLY
The judges believed he could fly, too, so they gave the soulful Chicagoan top R&B song honors and two other Grammys.
4. VALDAS ADAMKUS
The one-time Lithuanian refugee who made a five-decade stopover in Chicago finally returned to his homeland and took the oath of president.
5. ERIK KRAMER
The battered Bears arm signed on for another tour of duty, to subdued fanfare.
THIS WEEK'S BIGGEST LOSERS
1. ROLAND BURRIS
An ill-considered racial remark tripped up the Dem gubernatorial candidate, but he's still leading all those "non-qualified white boys" in the primary.
2. BRYAN COX
The man who kept writing checks with his mouth that he couldn't cash was canceled by the Bears.
3. JUNIOR WELLS
Dead man walked away from the Grammys empty-handed, unlike fellow posthumous nominees John Denver and Charles Kuralt.
4. DAVID SCHWIMMER
The Lookingglass Theater vet earned decidedly mixed reviews for his turn as a doltish WGN sportscaster in "Kissing a Fool."
5. RYNE SANDBERG
Judging by the reaction of Cubs brass to Ryno's comeback comments, it's two retirements and you're out in the old ball game.