By Cap'n O

FEBRUARY 23, 1998:  Even if it turns out that President Horny did have sex in the White House with Big Lips Lewinsky and coached her to lie about it in a court case, his popularity ratings will probably go higher.

This will drive radio talk-show hosts crazy. They will sputter about how the nation is nearing collapse. And they'll have nervous breakdowns trying to figure out why Americans are giving Bill Clinton a pass on this scandal. The answers are easy. Anyone with one working brain cell can figure it out, which is why the talk-show hosts will never be able to.

Most American men, with the exception of those who live in San Francisco, are jealous of Clinton. Lewinsky is a babe. When loaded up with lipstick, she's every man's dream. Even if it's only the executive branch that Lewinsky wants, we're still cheering for the prez out of manly pride.

The biggest reason we don't mind that Clinton is probably lying about the Lewinsky matter is that he is one of us. He is exactly like us. We are a nation of liars who have sanctified lying and condemned honesty.

Sit in any traffic or misdemeanor court for a couple of hours, and you'll hear so many and such imaginative lies that you'll think Clinton is a rank amateur at fibbing. It's rare that a thug has punched an 80-year-old lady in the face or that a reckless misfit was speeding as charged by police. It's usually that the oldster ran into the thug's fist or that sunspots disrupted the vehicle's electrical system and caused the speedometer to malfunction.

Every day, thousands of slobs go to court on drunken driving charges. Ninety-nine percent of them are guilty and they know it. But they plead not guilty. Their lawyers do everything possible to get the cases tossed out on technicalities. It's massive, institutionalized lying.

The drunken mopes and their polyester-clad lawyers aren't the only ones to blame for this lying. They're encouraged and even forced to lie. Plead guilty to DWI and see what happens to your car insurance rates. Some businesses will fire workers who are convicted of DWI. Under such circumstances, only an idiot would tell the truth, plead guilty and engage in what used to be called accepting responsibility for your actions.

Look at the people who walk the halls of misdemeanor and traffic courts. They're cooks, car mechanics, retail clerks, bartenders, car-wash attendants, secretaries and bakers. They're regular people. If they're all lying, who is telling the truth?

Certainly not job applicants. Lying on résumés is an epidemic. Job counselors advise their clients to jazz up their curricula vitae. That means exaggerating accomplishments, lying about credentials and making yourself out to be the human dynamo that you've never been and never will be.

But again, we're forced into it. Be honest on a résumé and see where it gets you. Put down that you were fired and see if you ever get a response. In the past 10 years no one in America has ever been fired from a job. We've all "left position for greater challenges."

Every week, millions of monumentally stupid ideas are proposed in this country. And every week, the millions of Americans who hear them suck up their consciences and cry, "That's brilliant!" to their bosses. If they didn't, or if they were truthful about how stupid the ideas are, they'd be out of jobs.

Advertisers suggest that if you smoke a lot and drink heavily, you'll be popular and get a lot of sex. All the people I know who do that have had heart attacks.

Some of our most popular and successful movies are shameful distortions of history. They're big lies. But we spend hundreds of millions of dollars to see them. Historically accurate movies are said to be unimaginative and lacking in innovation.

Ever gotten too much change back from a store clerk and not returned it? You've lied.

If it's found that Clinton has lied about the Lewinsky affair, the public will probably demand a return to unlimited presidential terms. We'll re-elect him. Then the Big He will be able to change the motto on our paper money to one that reflects our modern day ideals: In the Big Lie We Trust.

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