Volume I, Issue 37
February 16 - February 23, 1998

I'm here to tell you that we've been knocking around mimes for too long -- too long! Mimes are not annoying, they're sweet and special and full of the wonderful whimsy of life. And mimery is a real skill; ever try to pretend you're climbing the rungs of an invisible ladder, or put your hands up against glass that's not there? You can't. You can barely play charades, fool. Mimes turn charades into art. Don't we all know how a mime feels when he's walking against the wind? I sure do.

What's truly shocking are the Amnesty International activists who want to ban mimes. I mean, if you're going to hate somebody, hate clowns. When tested, mimes proved to have much higher IQ's than clowns. And though clowns have been known to rob banks and kill small children, there isn't a single documented case on the records of a mime trying to steal so much as a stamp. To use an analogy, mimes are like scenic fields where clowns are like killing fields. Pretty simple when you think about it.

So remember, don't let one bad-apple mime spoil the whole miming bunch. That's sheer mimism -- and it must be stopped.