Let The Naked Games Begin!
Presenting The Results Of Sex Survey '99
By Jim Nintzel and Jennifer Hard
FEBRUARY 15, 1999: IF THE LAST year has proved anything, it's that, as a nation, we're obsessed with sex. Not only do we want sex--we want to know who our friends and family are having sex with. We want to know who our co-workers are having sex with. We want to know who our Hollywood stars are having sex with. For reasons which remain inscrutable, we even want to know who our politicians are having sex with. Hell, we've spent the last 13 months--and a fortune--investigating our philandering President's pathetic sex life! (Unless you buy that crap that it wasn't about sex....)
So, last December, with a zeal for detail normally reserved for the Office of the Independent Counsel, we asked you readers to share your sex lives with us. And, boy, did you ever--more than 400 of you responded, from which we've somewhat haphazardly produced this utterly unscientific sex survey. Sadly, we didn't have space for every single one of those essays--particularly those lengthy detailed accounts of sexcapades involving farm animals--but we're running those we could fit in the pages that follow. (If you kept copies of your work, we're sure several men's magazines would be interested.) Parental advisory: Respondents tended to be quite graphic--and fairly, shall we say, open-minded--in their responses, particularly to the essay questions, so you'll probably want to keep this issue out of the hands of children. But then, it's not much worse than the Starr Report--and that was funded with your tax dollars and mailed to every household in the United States, courtesy of the House Republicans.
So who are we? Forty-nine percent of our respondents were male, while 51 percent were female. (And one respondent claimed both genders, chastising us for our insensitivity: "There are more than two genders, darlings." We stand corrected--but we're not gonna ask you to be our valentine.)
Judging from the survey, you're a kinky bunch. Three-fourths of you are straight, while 14 percent classify yourselves as bisexual, 6 percent as gay and 4 percent as lesbian. The average woman was 36 years old and the average man was 43; the oldest respondent was 92, while the youngest was 16. Forty-five percent of you have kids, while 12 percent have grandkids.
Just three of our respondents--two men and one woman--were still virgins, with an average age of 32. Of those involved in carnal behavior, the average fella lost his virginity at age 16.71, while the average gal gave it up at age 16.17. Eighty-six percent of the men said losing their virginity was a positive experience, while only 55 percent of the ladies agreed with that sentiment. Only 1 percent of you were stoned and 1 percent were smashed when you took that big plunge into the world of sexual relations, and about 1 percent of you lost your virginity with a partner of the same sex.
Let's get right to the bottom line: How often do you have sex? Both men and women say they knock booties, on average, eight times a month. Men would like to get laid 27 times a month, while women would be satisfied with just 20 "encounters"--as Miss Lewinsky prefers to call 'em--a month.
How do you make up for that difference between desire and consummation? By taking matters into your own hands. Men spank their monkeys an average of 14 times a month, while women ring their dinger about seven-and-a-half times.
You're willing to try all kinds of sex, at least once: Oral sex (95 percent), hetero sex (92 percent), vaginal sex (91 percent), anal sex (67 percent), phone sex (55 percent), public sex (46 percent) and same-sex sex (39 percent). You have one-night stands (69 percent) and sex with toys (54 percent). You like to have sex with more than one person: Forty percent of you have had three-way sex and 22 percent have progressed to group sex. (And judging from the essay questions, if you haven't tried a threesome--or moresome--you'd sure like to give it shot!)
You like to do it in cars (88 percent), tubs (77 percent), public parks (47 percent) and your parents' beds (37 percent). And more than one out of five of you (22 percent) have taken advantage of the semi-privacy of a public bathroom to have sex. Hope you remembered to wash your hands.
Let's talk relationships: Thirty-eight percent of you are single (sorry about your luck!), 10 percent are going steady, 22 percent are in long-term relationships, and 30 percent are married or partnered. Of those in relationships, 72 percent say they are monogamous, while 16 percent report they have an open relationship, and 12 percent say they're in an open relationship, even though their partners don't know it. Speaking of straying: More than 24 percent of you have cheated on your current partners like high-ranking GOP congressmen, and 18 percent of you have gotten away with it. Twenty percent tell us you would dump your partner for wealth or fame.
And how many partners have you little tramps had? Fourteen percent of you have had fewer than five partners, 22 percent have had five to 9 partners, 20 percent have had 10 to 19 partners, 21 percent have had 20 to 49 partners, 13 percent have had 50 to 100 partners, 5 percent have had more than 100 partners, 2 percent have had more than 1,000 partners, and 2 percent just couldn't remember. You meet your partners through friends (57 percent), at work (42 percent), in bars (30 percent), in class (21 percent) and through personal ads (13 percent), but those trendy coffeehouses suck as a pick-up scene (5 percent).
Forty-three percent of men and 30 percent of women have lied to get sex. Sixty-five percent of the men and 84 percent of the women say they've had sex when they really didn't want to. (As one female respondent noted, "I was married for five years, for God's sake!") Fifty percent of the women and 39 percent of the men have said "no" when they meant "yes," while 84 percent of the women and 51 percent of the men have said "yes" when they meant "no." Jeez, that's confusing!
Forty percent of women and 35 percent of men have engaged in bondage, while 16 percent of both genders have delved into the world of S&M. A whopping 31 percent of women and 23 percent of men have indulged in water sports, which makes us wonder if you know what they are. (It's peeing and pooping on each other, not having sex after a day of fishing on Lake Roosevelt.) About 19 percent of you have done household chores to get sex.
Nearly 35 percent of men have paid for sex, while just 5 percent of women have paid for it--and we suspect the ladies' response had more to do with an emotional toll, given that they tended to write things like, "Haven't we all?" Conversely, 20 percent of the female respondents say they've been paid for sex, while 14 percent of the men say they've hustled themselves a little extra spending money.
It helps to loosen inhibitions, even if it doesn't improve performance: Eighty-seven percent of you have had sex while drunk, 66 percent have smoked pot before sex, 31 percent have had a bump of coke with sex, and 25 percent have raised your consciousness--or something--with LSD and mushrooms. Ten percent have indulged in ecstasy and 9 percent have taken a snort of amyl nitrate. Viagra hasn't caught on much yet; just 2 percent have tried sex with the wood drug.
Twenty percent of you have faced an uncomfortable moment of truth when your parents walked in while you were having sex, while 27 percent of you say you've walked in on your parents having sex. (One of you expressed dismay at this question: "My parents had sex?!")
Then there are the unpleasant consequences of all this casual sex. More than 31 percent of you have had some kind of venereal disease. That troublemaker herpes leads the pack, having settled into the genitals of 11 percent of you readers. Eight percent have faced a bout with chlamydia, 6 percent have experienced the discomfort of gonorrhea, 3 percent have had genital warts, and another 3 percent have had crabs. State Rep. Karen Johnson, another one of those deviant Mesa Republicans, would no doubt be shocked to hear that not a single respondent mentioned suffering from "gay bowel disease."
If all that isn't enough to make you take a few precautions next time you're having a one-night stand, remember this: Six percent of you have lied about having a sexually transmitted disease. As Fox Mulder likes to say, "Trust no one."
Oh, let's not forget that wildest of aphrodisiacs, politics. If it were up to you, you'd tell those Operation Rescue creeps to go screw themselves: A whopping 86 percent of respondents were pro-choice. And, while 82 percent of you believe oral sex is indeed sex, you still support your finger-wagging President--only 20 percent agreed that Clinton should be tossed out of office. Of course, that was before the House managers made that stirring case over the last week....
Finally, 29 percent of you felt like sluts after you finished filling out this survey. However cheap we made you feel, thank you all for sharing. Have a happy Valentine's Day--and for God's sake, when you're gettin' nasty out there, use a condom, wouldja?
What Was Your Most Memorable Sexual Experience?
WOMEN SAY: First time with my husband NAU library Too many to pick one First-time anal The orgy I had w/ six people Sex in a dark room at a photo lab In the cemetery An orgy/houseparty with 10 couples In back of truck w/rock star in front of The Rock Driving home from Yuma with my husband, getting so hot and bothered in the car that we turned off the interstate, down a deserted-looking road and went off into the field to make love in the wide-open space Three different women in one day--three separate incidents First time being fisted Having orgasmed 20 times in two hours while my lover performed oral sex Sex on A Mountain Making it with a cop in uniform with his gun on Laff's restroom Having sex with five cute young guys Sex at firehouse Sex outside the car on an interstate off-ramp First time someone gave me oral sex In a tunnel in the wilderness Sex with a co-worker in the back office G-spot sex with my husband in the wilderness Outdoors Under a bridge Notel-Motel in '76--loooong story Two days w/ only breaks for naps, snacks, and the bathroom Being blindfolded and tied to a picnic table while a softball game was going on First real lesbian sex Every time I conceived Sex in the mayor's office On a pool table in a little tiny redneck town after-hours On my kitchen floor Sex with a complete asshole On the roof of a townhome In the cornfield Catalina State Park Sex in a park while sprinklers were on Giving a blowjob in the car on the way to Phoenix Taking ecstasy with my lover--we were covered in glitter and candle wax Playing doctor When he went in the back door Two close friends in the bed of my pickup truck in the desert @ 3 a.m. Sex on a Carnival cruise with my ex-girlfriend Sex on a Michigan golf course Fun at the drive-in with my husband Limo sex Having sex with someone from work that every other woman wants and doesn't know I've had (16 years younger!) Losing my virginity in the Minolta Room at the Flandrau I'm 22 and I don't think I've had one The first time I performed oral sex on a girl Sex on the courthouse lawn Doing it for four hours straight in every room in the house When my husband ate me out for two hours In the dentist's chair with laughing gas Cracking my head open on a headboard First sex after divorce Twin male lovers in a three-way When a man bit me until I bled Getting head on golf course Making love in water My prom dress was stolen while having sex for the first time--explain that to your mom! My ex-girlfriend and I set up my then-current GF for a threesome Having sex with my friend after not seeing him for 50 years Getting busted by real-estate agent showing the house My clit swelled to the size of a fig after sex with a black guy! Doing it in the White House Helping a younger man learn all about great sex
MEN SAY: Being watched Threesome At my age? The most recent My first time with my favorite dancer Watching my girlfriend squirm when she orgasms Threeway with another male Those in the open wilderness Tying a girl with her hands above her head standing and whipping her Wife of 24 years Two 16-year-old girls one night I was 8 years old Girl on top Outside during nighttime summer monsoon downpour with lightning On amyl nitrate Sex in an airplane While on LSD Four-way open sex Getting it on with three women Going out with the wife while she's wearing a see-thru dress, no bra or panties, only a garter and stockings First time my future wife and I had sex in college Blowjob in UA library Tying and blindfolding my partner, then playing pain and pleasure Watching my wife have sex with a black man Sex alongside I-10 at 2 a.m. The first time A 17-year-old German boy who couldn't speak English Sex with dog Sex with girlfriend while grandparents slept in the next room Blowjob in parking lot of El Arte de Rosa's Sex with Miss Teen N.Y. A beautiful married lady seduced me Four-hour highway blowjob First woman to swallow On a rock deep in the Sabino near that swimmin' hole Loss of gay virginity 10 times in a day on acid Bathhouse with multiple partners Elevator!!! First time I masturbated Linda Evans In a swimming pool with a dancer When the copper told me to get up and get dressed and go home Blowjob on the Grand Canyon railway Sex on a pitcher's mound Getting whipped in lingerie She kicked all the knobs off my dash board Sex in a movie theatre Oral sex from a confused lesbian Sex in a cave Ex's mother Sex with a couple, both of whom I truly loved UA football field Mother/daughter Anal sex w/ best friend's girlfriend while he went out for beer Tit-fucking Train bathroom Two sisters and their mother 24 hours/10 orgasms First visit to social club with wife Tying up partner for first time Train around Disneyland Sex on acid at a Dead show Getting sucked off by a minister Surprised in a limousine Seeing Kevin Danaher's BMW humping that TEP pole Had affair while married First day home with new wife after three months at sea The one time I had anal sex Group sex in mountains on a rainy weekend in trailer Having sex with a beautiful girl on the rocks of a secluded bay in Hawaii Blowjob from my neighbor while I was walking the dog one night
What Turns You Off About Your Lover?
WOMEN SAY: His smoking He's married Became too routine Trying too hard Bad breath He doesn't get it up much anymore He's getting bald He's not attentive enough to me Insecurity Not brushing teeth and smoking Has an abscess on arm When we are involved in foreplay, he plays stupid He tells me every move I should make He doesn't talk to me He's not very muscular When he sits around the house nude When he's too clingy or whiny He snores He's too uptight about making sure I have an orgasm No foreplay Rolling over and sleeping right after sex Zits His computer He always wants sex Coldness His libido isn't as high as mine sometimes His TV watching When he's grumpy Lack of aggression His substance abuse Back hair Unshowered body Her need to please me When he's drunk and wants sex Negative attitudes Thinks he knows everything about foreplay Bad mood When he does yoga Pre-ejaculation When he won't snuggle after sex Talking dirty Needs to smile more Her scars Her weight Not wild enough--too reserved Too much slobbering when performing oral sex Talking too damn much He's too tired Hairy chest Belching Her hair Dirty butthole If he doesn't like himself He forgets about foreplay Pot bellies When she makes me think of her ex-girlfriend When we have sex and he goes straight to the shower and to sleep When she begs for sex He takes too long to ejaculate When he shouts right in my ear at his climax His temper Hesitant about making first move Familiarity Scrubby face Small penis Too forceful at times Uncommitted Flicks condom on floor His avoidance issues Inhibited When he stops to go to the bathroom, remove glasses, put on glasses, remove hair, etc. Hairy from the waist down His feet He wants anal too much Dumb comments He needs to bathe first Pot breath In a hurry Too nice in bed Poor self-esteem Weird growth/bump on the end of his nose He's afraid to honestly share himself Won't reciprocate oral sex, leaving too quickly after sex Her insecurity He's overweight Spits phlegm in sink He's rude, snotty and he works too much If he smells down there and wants oral sex He doesn't talk dirty during sex and I want dirty, damn it! He comes too quick Dull personality
MEN SAY: Laughing during sex When she just lays there her Weight Morning breath Negativity and chronic whining Not wanting sex When she is not willing Extremely inhibited about her body image Figure Stopped dressing up Fat Not having a lover Not enough sex Attitude Always nagging She doesn't initiate sex Doesn't touch No tan Lack of common sense Body Sex is routine at times Does not like being on top Hygiene His lack of desire Her flesh When she ignores me The talking His forgetfulness His bad driving His guy She nods off during foreplay Poor communications She doesn't keep her pussy clean-shaven Smoker's cough Huge male ego Armpit hair Male bashing She can have great sex but everything has to be "just so" Never goes down on me When she does pills Baby pouch and stretch marks An annoying cough She smokes a lot He takes so long to get ready that I damn near fall asleep She has lost her desire Self-doubt Unwillingness to experiment Her dislike of my love for cross-dressing Puritanical attitudes about sex Always lies on her back, sometimes plays dead Sagging breasts put-downs Asking me to do stuff Negative outlook on life Too sleepy Farting Too controlling Face She is really very mediocre at it Whining for more sex Dishonesty Serious discussions His track marks and scars I wish she had her pubes shaved like the women in the pornos Doesn't like to kiss after oral sex She sometimes kisses with her lips puckered too tight Too passive-acting
What do you think about when you masturbate?
WOMEN SAY: Lots of different things Other women--making them come How bad I want sex Bondage fantasies David Duchovny Having oral, anal and vaginal sex with the guy I'm dating Being a stripper/sex slave/porn star I watch porno movies with women threesomes and I fantasize about being in the middle of that Oral sex Getting to that plateau Making love to another woman Past experiences with my first love Tom Selleck Stripping or masturbating on stage Multi-partners in public Sci-fi scenarios Weird slave fantasies Just the way it feels Ex-husband Bondage What I'm doing and how it feels Submission of various kinds My husband's cock Good previous sex I imagine my husband sitting on the couch watching me, sometimes he is watching me Men finding me irresistible Beautiful Oriental martial arts actresses Myself Being licked and fucked Women, men, people If someone's going to walk in on me Multiple partners Watching other couples Music Men--virile, young men Duh! The faceless man Being dominated per my explicit instructions How my clit is Mighty Mountain Staying awake I read S&M Ally McBeal, in the flesh A very sexy dude The feeling of having sex Someone fucking me from behind Drunk teenage boys Tits and ass Public sex with inappropriate people Violent sex Oscar de la Hoya My lover eating and having sex with another woman in front of me for my pleasure Being pursued, then caught and fucked to exhaustion by a tall, sexy, fem, brunette stranger The ocean Being a teenage boy having sex with his teenage sister Being a sexy teenage girl seducing her teacher Fluffy little bunnies World peace Brad Pitt naked
MEN SAY: Possible lovers Women with juicy vaginas who enjoy sex Uh, sex, I suppose. It's nothing very elaborate. Naked women Watching videos my two girls make with their clients Is quick and pleasing Women, duhhh Wishing it was real Videos Buff Border Patrol agent stationed in Douglas, Ariz. Women All kinds of sex acts The smell of a wet pussy Getting fucked or fucking a man Penthouse Variations magazine Anal sex My wife taking a big cock Girls with cooze A woman giving me a blowjob Big-breasted women Women going down on me Doggie-style sex People watching Former lover's body Teenage girls Oral sex Prostrate sensation Massage Restraint Stiff nipples Dominance/submission Being a woman Women in kinky clothes Big tits Having sex with hot, young straight men Hunky men Either fat men, Randy Garsee or my lover Imaginary sex-friend Is spunk good for skin when you spurt on her tits? Porno sluts Things I never actually do $ Mother-in-law Forum letters Being raped Women at work Women with women Girlfriend doing a gang-bang Pleasing a man while cross-dressed My brother's wife The Kurdish Independence Movement Group sex with all my former girlfriends at one time Having sex with a woman of every different nationality Supermodels Ugly hateful people and things
What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done?
WOMEN SAY: Sex in the bathroom at a company party Sex in snow on cross-country skis Had sex on the hood of my car with 2 guys I picked up on the side of the road Golden shower Where do I start? Hot wax on the nipples Gone only in a leather jacket to the store Picked up 2 guys at a bar in Vegas Having sex on my front porch Make out with female friends Masturbating with objects like champagne bottles, beer bottles, zucchini Sex in porn shop watching videos Fisting someone with two hands Having sex with three men and using a curling iron and bud vase as a dildo Handcuff my partner, rub him down with that edible warming lotion, I rub my body on his and lick him until he lifted the whole bed to get out of the handcuffs Sex on a cop car in a graveyard Talk on the phone with my mother while having sex Masturbate in front of a john Having sex with another woman at Hotel Congress Being choked during sex Rodeo day (naked w/ drover coat, spurs, boots, gun, handcuffs) Threeway/me and another girl and my partner The menage thing Not telling In the back of a VW bug with me on top Used vegetables for masturbation Bondage Masturbated while driving I've been whipped. didn't like it Trying to fuck underwater while snorkeling Attended a nudist party Public sex Two partners in two days Got tied up, blindfolded and spanked Anal sex and vaginal sex with a bottle Made a sex movie Dress-up, blindfold, whips Oral sex with ice cream Bondage Let my lover shave my pussy Spanked someone Sex on a pool table after hours Had an affair with son's friend Swapping Having sex in front of the camera Picked up a guy while waiting at the drive-thru window at Carl Jr.'s Anal Three women, one guy naked in a Jacuzzi Being fisted A cop and handcuffs were involved Sex with five women Sex in the broom closet at grocery store Let it be known I wasn't wearing any underwear Multi-vegie penetration--or was it the orgy? Befriended a banana Answered this survey Blow off 10-12 guys at the edge of a pool at a social club Gone to an orgy Had oral in the parking lot w/door open at the movies Received a golden shower in bed Stood in handstand while having sex Dressed as a prostitute and my husband hogtied me and he spanked me, then took advantage of me while he was dressed as a woman in black Gave a handjob in a bar Sex club Role-played and had sex while dancing at a bar Dressed in raincoat, nothing underneath Licked an asshole A threesome in a hammock Had sex with another girl in front of 150 men Used a strap-on to have sex with boyfriend Paris sex club Same bed as roommate and friend, but no switching Not wiped, by request Sex in truck while driving down the interstate Sex with someone I didn't love Got my nipples pierced Being blindfolded and tied up Public oral sex across Arkansas Drinking blood from bites Sex in my parent's bed Jerked off two men at the same time Sex standing on my head Getting fucked with a maglite in the cab of my then-GF's 4x4 while on camping trip to Mexico while friends unknowingly sat 15 feet away Threw up on someone while giving a blowjob Sex in a church bathroom Let my boyfriend come on my face and let it dry as a facial mask Stripped and did a chair dance for my lover Body paint Having my labia pierced
MEN SAY: Threesome Sex in the open on a minor peak along the Douglas Springs Trail Used a candy cane in my partner Taken Polaroids during sex Carrot up my ass while masturbating Masturbating on my cat, between cat and mattress Partner and a dog Wore a mask and had sex at a fetish ball Prostitute sex Nothing kinky--yet Had sex on Chiracahua Mountains near Cochise stronghold Sex in a cop car Had sex in public bathroom Sex with another man Had anal sex with a woman while her lover screws her Run naked and masturbated in the desert Outdoor sex in a hotel pool Watersports/pee play Whipping Gave a guy head with my lover Holding a big black cock and putting it in my wife's cunt Speedball with blow job Penile infibulation Shaved all my body Sex on the Salt River Bi threesome Screwed a clerk in the ass in a JC Penney's dressing room Let a dog lick my dick Public outdoor sex Had sex with guy while wife was in the other room Got paid to let gay guy suck me off Spent the whole day humping and sucking and smoking pot Hetero group sex with bi-males Sex in a tree BJ in Benson tourist train Blindfolded group sex Busted in a glass elevator Watching while partner masturbated herself Fucked by a strap-on while in drag Watched others at my first orgy, then joined in Tried to screw myself Anal sex while spanking a girl and calling her a dirty slut Blown two men in a walk-in freezer Masturbated with a friend who was eight months pregnant with her husband's child Had sex on the washing machine Jerked off into my own mouth Masturbated and came all over my wife's friend's panties while house-sitting Vaginal insertion of pop rocks and alka-seltzer Had sex blindfolded with seven guys Wear wife's underpants Attended a naked Twister party Made it with a man who was wearing fish-nets and a garter belt Had sex with a girl's feet Sex with my aunt Spied on naked mother-in-law and masturbated Fisted a blindfolded Republican cheerleader Peeked at girls showering Gave enema to girlfriend before sodomy Jacked off a guy through a glory hole Sex with an inflated female sex doll Had sex with a trainee in the parking lot Mutual masturbation with significant other under the table during Thanksgiving dinner at my parents' house Screwed best friend's wife on gravel driveway in front of him Received oral sex from a dog Shower sex at health club Made a video of myself modeling different teddies, leotards, bras, dresses, pumps, stockings and fucking myself with a dildo Used vibrator with my wife during sex Ass lick Sex in grocery parking lot Sex with sheep Bent over an ottoman and let a huge golden retriever fuck my ass--great! Sex with my wife and my lover on the same day Masturbated with a travel toothbrush holder
What's Your Favorite Name For Your Private Parts?
Cock Choad Snatch Tits Elvis Bunny Weenus Zeus Myself Mamacita The monkey Bodacious ta-tas Pride and joy Mr. Happy Dick Sweeney Charlie Johnson Charlie and Quinn The girls Honey pot Pecker Winston Scwanz Muff Pelvis joystick Peter Schlong One-eyed lizard with a turtleneck sweater Alvin Little thing Troy Him Mr. Willy Húi Lefty Vesuvius Li'l squirt Harvey Wallbanger Big Daddy Manhood Cunt My second brain Happy stick Puppy Horse dick My gun Pancho Yoohah The playground Lola Clit Little Willy Mainerd Junior Russell the one-eyed muscle The three-inch thriller My Jerry Paul Bunyan Mr. Peabody Big Daddy and the Boys Henry Big Boy Pussy My underbelly Raspberries Kingdom Simon Slave Mistress Pepe Sweet lips Longfella Mr. Fun Staff Spurt monster Rodney Highway to Hell Joey Davie boy George Heavy D and the Boys Jimmy Fred Herbie Oscar Wambat Love rod Tommy D The Weasel My Nintzel The Club Big Boy Moe, Larry and Curly Dr. Wand Thor Mr. Bilbo Rising passion Herman Margo Wonk Sneaky Pete Ned and the twins One-eyed idiot Ecstasy pole Tigger Stick shift and ball bearings One-eyed wonder worm Trouser mouse Woogie Harley Big Bill and the boys Jumping Jack Flash Wild Thing Sammy Mr. Limpie Sunshine George coochie Porn star Junior Cheryl Pee-pee Yoni Sacred Space Cooterville Calico Totty Muff Honey sweet Kitty Itsby, bitsby Chonchi Puss puss Little hoots The fuzzy Love box Mr. Happy The girls and Miss Kitty I never had pet names for my organs but I call my cat Boobie May, June Kitty meow Brownie Little friend Mr. MaGoo Nortons Down there Mr. Winkie My peach The Waldo sisters and Clarise Wee-wee Dusty rusty Fred Poonjabi Hummer Herme Hon Broomhilda Beaver Crazy one-eyed Mary Clitopatra Jade gates Flower Honey box Land of Ahs Goddess flower Love button Fifi Buddy
What do you try not to think about when you masturbate?
WOMEN SAY: Work Bills and responsibilities My ex-husband My problems Homework Housework Family members What I look like when masturbating Childhood/men Having sex with men Being by myself Ex-boyfriend Fat people People I know Anything family-related Reality My partner (then it turns into a different fantasy and doesn't work as well) My mother Bills Someone walking in Why there's no man there Violence Actual people that I know Pain or discomfort If someone's going to walk in on me Being hurt Someone coming home My incestuous grandfather The fact that I am masturbating The world today No human contact Impeachment issues Force Puppies My cousin My father's sexual abuse of me as a child World problems My sheets Ugly people Being a sexually violent male raping children Not being laid Past bad lovers The end of my sex life My pastor The chores that need to be done Nothing romantic or mushy Fingernails Childbirth Boss Biochemistry class How silly this act is The cracks in the ceiling
MEN SAY: Work Former lovers Women who don't enjoy sex What's on TV Getting caught Mom or sister Men Bible Janet Reno Women Relatives Monster trucks Blue vomit All the work I should be doing Interruptions Daily trivia Beastiality Warts Bill Clinton My kids Things that need to be done Baseball scores Celine Dion Kathie Lee Gump IRS Filling out surveys Big guys with hairy butts My ex-wife Hillary Clinton Bea Arthur Spirits of dead friends and relatives watching me Linda Tripp Cigars Fat women in thongs Debt Fourth-grade teacher Marriage The AIDS epidemic Lorena Bobbitt My car Crackerbarrel stock price Jane Hull Tammy Faye Baker Impeachment Ronald Reagan How I'm going to burn in eternal hell for pandering to my animalistic lust Jesse Helms Strom Thurmond Child issues J. Edgar Hoover Patti Weiss
What's The Weirdest Thing You've Ever Said During Sex?
WOMEN SAY: Give momma a carrot Wait, let me light a joint How do I get out of here? I make animal noises Can you move to the side so I can see the TV? Fuck me like a man! I'm the man! Thank you! What is that? Fuck me like an animal Recite Shakespeare for me It sounds like fish going up the fish ladder on the Columbia River Is that you or the cat licking me? Does it feel good? Caribbean juices You own me More, much more The wrong name I wish I had more breasts for you to suck Go Vikings Go! Ouch Are you married? Hallelujah, praise the gods! Mommy! Beat me raw Oooh, it's so big Grandma says, "No kinky stuff!" Son, go back to bed Oh shit, I have to fart I hear my mother calling me I wish my mother could have known you! Could that be my mom calling? The tennis match is at 5 I'm hungry I forgot to tell you your mom called What the hell are you doing? Had a full-blown conversation about a movie during sex once You know this doesn't mean I love you I don't want anymore I think I'm in love Is the oven still on? To the moon, Rocket Man! Thanks for the ride! I think I broke it Where are we going to eat after this? Rape me I want to meet your parents Ride me like a bull Did your mother lay them out for you? I wonder what time the trash will be picked up today Reload this, will you?
MEN SAY: I love you Gosh, I came so hard that turned my eyelids inside out Are we having fun yet? I'm fucking you with a swan's neck Stick your finger in my ass Is it in your ass or puss? Punish me, baby You know, this isn't right I didn't think she could take it all Drain me, bitch Wow I want a threesome I lov--like you Sweet Jesus! The wrong name Would you like more whipping with wire coat hanger? Pizza's here! Would I be doing this if I didn't love you? Oh my God! Nngghh! Gaah! What's your name? I think the cops are here I want to eat your pussy after I come in it Who's the king? Whip me harder Ma-ma I'm a happy boy Eat me raw, balls and all You know, I'd rather eat a sandwich Stop Who, me? I want to marry you Is it soup yet? Who's your daddy? I've never done this before--but you're doing it wrong Are you there? How 'bout those Bulls Touch my monkey Want to get a pizza later? That Betty Crocker was one hell of an upholsterer! It doesn't taste that bad! Tastes like chicken You stink We're going to be late for church Do I make you horny? I left the hose running in the garden This stroke is for my cousin Larry Where's the car? I've got to get your phone number Take it out of your mouth, it's not doing anything for me Honey, I'm home, where's my dinner? Fuck me, Daddy Called out my own name I wish you had the penis and I had the vagina Elvis is leaving the building
What's The Kinkiest Thing You've Never Done But Always Wanted To Try?
WOMEN SAY: Threeway To make porns S&M, anal, etc. etc. Sex with a man and a woman Have sex in the presence of others having sex Always willing to try new things A threesome with a beautiful-built blonde and my husband Sex in the woods Have sex on top of a fridge Sex on a motorcycle during a gay pride parade Two guys and me Make love to two (or more) women Two guys on me Masturbate on a table in front of 10 men with their help B&D Sex on gym equipment Doing it on an airplane On a SunTran bus Sex in public Sex while parachuting Tie my man to the bed and gently seduce him Sex on mushrooms Sex with a woman Group sex Two men at once Chains and leather in a swinging chair Have a sundae made out of me with chocolate, whipped cream and cherries Wearing no panties under a shirt and have dinner out Jello Sex outside under a full moon Sex in a restaurant Handcuffs Sex in a swing outdoors Sex hanging from a chandelier An orgy Having sex with a woman with a strap-on A small plane and a pilot with courage Warm butterscotch Multi-male penetration (all orifices and both hands) A mini-dildo for me bum Sex in zero-gravity Run for office Getting fingerfucked in a restaurant Sex on a pool table S&M Worse S&M Go out with a coat and high heels, nothing else on Eat out girlfriend when she's driving her 4X4 Have female give me an enema Dress skimpy and have my husband tie me up and spank me in front of a group of people Sex in an elevator Bi-fem sex Sex with 10 women Be onstage and get whipped and mutilated and then fucked To be tied up and cut all over Some objectification Switching Fuck boyfriend with a strap-on Being eaten out in front of an audience Beastiality Sex in a bathtub filled with green Jell-o Tie up my lover, leave house, go to bar, get drunk, come back for sex Sex in a hot tub Eating a woman while my boyfriend has sex with me Participating in an all-fem gang bang Find a lifelong commitment and have kids Sex in a New Orleans cemetery during Mardi Gras
MEN SAY: Mother/daughter or two sisters Two women on me Group sex--anything goes Anonymous sex Piercing nipples of two girls, putting one ring to hold them together Two men/one woman Being sodomized by a woman with a tiny dildo Female quintuplets Group Mile-high club Humiliation/S&M/golden shower Fuck a man to orgasm Sex with pre-op TS Serious whipping Having wife gang-banged It involves two girls at the same time Have sex with an amputee Tattoo Tied up while being pleased by two women I tease her about a Chinese basket job but I don't think I want to Multiple women Screw a stewardess while in flight Give golden shower Cross-dressing Orgy Public sex Role play Doctor's office Police station Strip tease in a female prison Lick whipped cream off entire body of lover Have sex while dancing at Club Congress on techno night Sheep sex Get peed on by a stranger half my age Shave my wife's pussy Watch my woman with animal Sex with truckers at truck stop Doggie-style with Pamela Lee Marching Monica on a leash down the beach, smacking her ass with a riding crop Sex with ET Have a session with a leather master Get married and live happily ever after Appear before the House Judiciary Committee Have sex with and convert a lesbian Administer CAP enemas to Bob and Jerry while masturbating on the hood of a Mercedes Sex on the toilet Oral sex with Steve while he is doing his news Girl's night out: Dress as a woman and have "lesbian sex" with other women Heavy bondage Penetrating a woman's anus (a man's would be next) Fucked by female Sex at work 69 with man Tie my lover up and fuck her any way and every way--maybe let someone do it too Lick myself
Anything we should have asked that we didn't?
Favorite positions How important is talking before, after, during? Do you use protection? How much have you ever paid? ($250) Size!!! Ever been raped? Report in? Religion? Are you sexually deprived? Yes! Are you happy with your sex life? When is the sex survey party? Fetish for wearing female or male clothing Best place for having sex in Tucson? Best strip club offering sex for sale? Best place for picking up hookers in Tucson? Do you have to be drunk to fuck? Is breast size important? Could you live with polygamous relationship? Question re: safe sex What kind of birth control do you use? How long for great oral sex? More clinical fantasy preferences Have you ever placed ad for sex? Are you a registered sex offender? Have you ever had sex during a professional massage? If you could have more guilt-free sex, would you? Would you rather be in love with the person you're having sex with, or not? Biggest dick or tits ever seen? Do you have special sexual skills? Is sex the most important part of a relationship? Do you need Viagra? What would your stage name be if you were in a porn movie? What would you do if you found out your partner was cheating? Do you harbor homosexual tendencies? Have you ever been impotent? Have you ever truly loved someone you've had sex with? Would you have sex with Monica Lewinsky? Are you a mental patient? Do you wish you'd been born with another sexual preference? If a lapdancer makes you come in your pants, is that sex? How do you feel driving home afterwards? Do you swallow? Did you love the person you were having sex with? When was your last HIV test? Have you ever had sex with someone who was married, but not to you? Who have you most regretted having sex with? People's interest in regards to golden showers, the act of necrophilia, voyeurism Incest survivor? Fisting? Favorite noise you make during sex? Have you had sex in a swimming pool or public spa? More about oral sex Have you been the cause of any break-ups? Have you done anything you feel guilty about or regret? Do you enjoy sex? Did you always? Has sex gotten better or worse as you've aged? Are you in love with someone other than your current partner? What nationality has the best lovers? Favorite time of the day for sex? Gender of current lover Ever had an abortion? Do you use birth control? Women's answers about the size of man's unit Do condoms enhance or detract from your pleasure? What do you wish your lover knew about sex but you can't tell him/her? Have you been honest on this survey? Has the AIDS epidemic changed your sexual behavior? What do you think any of this has to do with anything? If you're bisexual, which sex do you like better, your own or the other? What's your favorite sex position? Has your partner ever masturbated with you? What's your favorite sex toy catalogue? What would you like your partner to do more of? Are you circumcised? How do you view sexual relationships? What do you like most about sex? Best CD for seduction
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