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Weekly Alibi Oralisms at Their Best

By Cap'n O

FEBRUARY 9, 1998:  "Cheer up, Americans," the normally solemn TV babbler shouted cheerfully out of the tube. "Already, President Horny's personal crisis has had a positive impact on the nation. Millions of Americans--men, women and hormone-ravaged teens--are flocking to book stores to buy Bibles. And they're enrolling by the tens of millions in the latest personal responsibility movement, The Big He Club.

"We're outside a Big He chapter house here in the town of Zipperdown, Ark., where the meeting hall is filling up. It's amazing. President Horny has sent the nation on a Bible-buying binge. Let's find out why.

"Sir, I see you have a new Bible. I assume you just bought it. Can you tell us why?"

Sure. Because of the president. I've been reading about his adulterous affairs and decided it was time to get the good book.

"So you bought a Bible because President Bimbo's reckless conduct made you realize that adulterous affairs bring about shame and humiliation, hurt those you love, wreck careers and lead to personal ruin? You have strayed, and you now seek repentance and the path to a pure life?"

Nope. I indeed have strayed. I do so enjoy having oral sex with women other than the missus. And yep, I've been feeling guilty about it. But I bought the Bible and joined the Big He Club because the president said that the Bible says that having oral sex with a babe other than your wife isn't adultery. When I read that I said, 'That's the book for me.' Oral sex outside of marriage and it ain't a sin. Woo Hee! That makes a fella want to walk around town with his zipper down.

"Thank you. Ma'am, you are smiling broadly, and you, too, have a new Bible. Has the good word brought you comfort?"

I'm hoping it will. I'm 48, married and have a 20-year-old son. For years I've been carrying on with those well muscled young studs on the high-school football team. If, like the president says, this book says it's not adultery to have oral sex outside of marriage, then it's got to say that screwing three dozen young hunks isn't adultery either. I already feel better about myself.

"Thank you. Now we're taking you into the Big He hall, where today the Big He himself is addressing members. Let's listen."

Member One: Sir, I'm an important political person. News stories are about to break about the fact that, for two years now, I have had oral sex sessions with a young female staffer. I know the editorial writers are going to scream for my resignation. Any advice?

Big He: Say it's not true. And it isn't if you really think about it. In my personal experience, I have had oral physical conversations with thousands of women. It's a different language. Our untiring study and practice in this language has brought us to a point of proficiency where we are able to speak with skill, passion and precision to each other. Tell people that, like me, you've been learning a new language. I am, and so should you be, proud of being multilingual.

Member Two: I am about to be accused of having a long-standing sexual relationship with my wife's young female cousin. We've been going at it now for seven years. We've done everything known to man, animals and plants. This will ruin me. What should I do?

Big He: Deny it because it's not true. To me, "long-standing" means a minimum of 3,000 years. If you haven't been poking her for that long, then it's not "long-standing." And I know that when I converse with women in my special way, I'm hardly ever standing. So that doesn't make sense either.

Member Three: Sir, I've had sex with my neighbor's wife. Have I broken one of the Ten Commandments?

Big He: No. The commandment says "Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife." The woman required you to spend no time coveting her. Hell, you were in her pants before you had time to think twice.

Finally, my good friends, I must get back to the nation's capitol to conduct important business. So I say to you, and I say it sincerely, I am leaving my beloved Zipperdown.


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