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Weekly Alibi Flush with Freedom!

By Captain Opinion

JANUARY 31, 2000:  It isn't exactly the Boston Tea Party, but it appears that Americans are finally awakening from their politically correct induced stupor to reclaim their noble legacy of protesting, opposing and thwarting heavy-handed, intrusive, oppressive government.

After years of acting like obedient sheep in the face of an all-controlling government and of soiling the ideals of Patrick Henry, Thomas Jefferson and George Washington, Americans of every race, creed, size, shape, age, sex and political background are demanding the most precious thing of all in life; the only thing that has ever made life worth living; the thing that God gave us and governments try to take away: freedom. This quest for freedom is surging across the land in the form of a full-throated scream that is ringing from church steeple to jail cell, from river valley to mountain top, from factory to farm, from tenement apartment to luxurious estate and from rabid tabloid to staid business journal. It is the freedom-cry of Americans who are screaming, "Give us back our toilets!"

Americans everywhere are demanding their high-flow, heavy duty, heavy flushing 3.5 gallon toilets back, bless their hearts, souls and properly working digestive systems.

More than four years ago I first wrote how then-Mayor Spend Everything (Marty Chavez) was trying to trick us here in Albuquerque into surrendering a piece of our freedom through an insidious toilet rebate program that offered us money if we turned in our manly, 5- and 3.5-gallon toilets and replaced them with sissy, 1.6 gallon models. The sneaky mayor cloaked his mad, megalomaniac plot to exert government control over our bathrooms with the idea of conservation and that we would be saving water by using the weak-willed flushers.

I complained that this was un-American and wasteful because for someone like me who eats enough willow fly catchers, Mexican gray wolves, silvery minnows and endangered monarchs at one sitting to clog up an entire sewer system, the sissy toilets wouldn't work. The wimp toilets, I said, would cause me to flush several dozen times, which was wasteful, or force me to reduce my intake of animals and insects on the endangered species list, which was an un-American assault on my God-given liberties to eat whatever I damn well please. In-laws and other high-minded types who have educated and refined their inherent common sense out of themselves scoffed that I was engaging in juvenile toilet humor unbecoming of a serious journalist, accomplished writer and highly-respected shaper of public opinion.

Despite their insensitive ridicule, rolling eyes and smug laughs -- no matter what devious psychological ploy they tried on me, I refused to betray America and freedom and vowed to never surrender my 5-gallon flusher. It turns out I wasn't alone. All across the nation Americans are rising up angry against the baby toilets, which Congress mandated in 1992 be placed in all new homes. A recently released survey by the National Association of Homebuilders said that 72 percent of their members have problems with the wuss toilets. The sissy models don't do the job the first time around. The Wall Street Journal recently reported that freedom-and-big-toilet-loving Americans are storming across the Canadian border to buy 3.5-gallon models. The paper said that "dissidents troll junkyards looking for old models," and that a black market has developed for the major league flushers.

In Congress, momentum is building for a bill introduced by Rep. Joe Knollenberg (R-Mich.) that would allow toilet manufacturers to make he-man toilets without fear of being fined or jailed by government goons. But it's not just government-hating, right-wing Republicans who are behind the bill. Fourteen Democrats, including self-described liberal Daniel Waitzman of New York City, support it. Toilet flushing crosses ideological lines; when you need a toilet to go whoosh! and it doesn't, party politics means nothing. Waitzman was quoted as saying that the government has no place in our bathrooms. He's right.

Now is the time for Americans to act with the revolutionary fervor of our fore-fathers and stop the liberty-destroying government in its tracks. Write your congressmen and congresswomen and your senators and tell them that you want your big toilets back. Tell them that in America the freedom to flush is right up there with freedom of speech and that they should vote for this bill. Tell them that we will fight for our right to flush; we will fight for them in the junk yards, hardware stores and in our bathrooms. We shall never surrender! Stir them with words that would make Henry, Jefferson and Washington proud of us; words that stir men's souls and move men's bowels; words that are the very definition of freedom:

One Flush!

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